When I first met you,
I felt like I was being wrapped in the sheets of my childhood.
I felt like I’ve known you all my life.
But still confused like the child in those sheets,
’cause I didn’t understand why I am attracted to you,
given my asexuality,
given my gender-confirming label.
What’s this unquantifiable
force of attraction that pulls me to you?
What’s You? The Self?
What’s Self? The spirit?
What’s spirit? The soul?
What’s soul?
Why do I love you?
I was reminded recently in my Islam,
about a realm,
void of gender,
sex,
sexuality,
labels,
our terrestrial corporeal vessel.
A realm called Alam Al Dhar – the realm of particles,
realm of souls/particles/waves/light/not-a-body/label-free.
We were waves of light beyond the classics of physics,
Waves of pure entities that stood in front of a god,
testifying we are one and alike,
and between us, not all met and matched.
But you and I, our waves clasped one another.
There, I know our waves mingled,
uniting their peaks and troughs,
we fell in love,
before the toxic force majeure was imposed on us:
Gender/ conformity/body/sex/labels/sexuality/social/built-in/imbibed.
This attraction to you now makes sense.
It’s the same gut feeling that pushes us away
from a person with a ‘bad vibe’.
There, we also met waves that didn’t match our Hertz.
But you and I, we roamed around as beaming particles,
lawless,
boundlessly floating,
connected,
compatible,
loving,
carefree,
uncensored,
un-policed,
raw.
Then came the first punishment for the original sin,
No, not the banned to earth one,
that came later.
This punishment was –
our Adam and Eve, they of the naked bodies,
partook of the fruit of the tree,
– they became aware of their bodies,
the construction of labels was born.
Tree/sin/awareness/body/original/labels/gender/true/punishment.
On earth we all carry that sin and that punishment.
We didn’t do ourselves a favour, imposing labels.
We don’t see the waves that we are.
Now, we struggle with tags, pierced into our bodies,
scarring our souls.
Skinny/masculine/hetero/gender binary/sexual/diversity/struggle/conform/conform/conform.
The list goes on and on and on…
I am tired and all I want
is to love you
like the beaming waves
we once were.
