Fantasies can kill us. Or others. They sweep us off our feet, make us into someone else. Into someone we often can’t recognise once we land and look back. Someone we’re, at times, not proud of, and occasionally even ashamed of.
“How could this be?”
Shame, fear, surprise at the least, at discovering a space where logic, reasoning or morality have no place. Disconnected.
Just to say that this is no game. Sexual fantasies are about life and death. Not some abstract eros or thanatos, but the real thing: pain, blood, power…
Which is why humanity has tried, for centuries, to police sexual fantasies, to set rules and decide what is right or wrong, healthy or sick. To dictate which fantasies we are allowed to have and which we aren’t. People got killed, tortured, cast away… still are.
And morality, applied to fantasies, became the most formidable guilt-producing machine, trapping so many of us between hammer and anvil. Because one fundamental truth had been ignored all along: fantasies can’t be pushed away. Ever. They occasionally evolve by themselves,mostly when enacted,but they can’t be controlled, cured, eradicated, swept under a carpet. The more we push them, the harder they push back.
Only one thing can be controlled: how.
No fantasy is wrong. Or sick. Or immoral. Just like good intentions are worthless unless they lead to fruitful actions, wicked fantasies aren’t wrong or sick unless they lead to wicked acts. And no, they don’t have to. That is the point of kink.
The revolution brought about by kink led to a subculture where knowledge has been gathered and transmitted for years. A knowledge that is about matching people with complementary fantasies – from the mildest to the most unlikely – and enacting them without anyone getting hurt. In ways that are healthy, playful, happy and safe.
If this is so important, it is because there are so many other ways to give in to fantasies. Ways that are destructive or hurtful… And let us make no mistake: plain ‘vanilla’ fantasies can be as destructive or hurtful as the most brutal ones. As a matter of fact, a huge majority of sexual violence revolves around plain intercourse and is perpetrated by individuals that would never identify as kinky.
This is one of the reasons why the Kinky Collective works at spreading awareness about kink; because it is a set of techniques that aims at channelling our most intimate sexual fantasies – from the simple to the unexpected– into a safe, consensual, happy and fulfilling direction.
And if everyone knew how to do that, the world would, undoubtedly, be a more beautiful place.
This piece has been written by J. Walker from the Kinky Collective.
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