On a cold winter evening in 2019, as I sit across the table with a young woman, sipping hot cappuccino at Starbucks, I am distracted by her incessant urge to check her phone every five minutes during the interview she promised me long back. I pause and ask her, “Are you expecting a call?” She thumps her phone down on the table, and is completely frazzled at my query. However, her reaction is as casual as her answers to my ‘serious’ questions for the interview, “Ha ha, not a call, just a right swipe for now, lol.” Her nonchalant body language and this particular answer paved a way for me to enter a territory I did not think about when I started out my PhD journey of excavating women’s understanding and experiences of the practice of contraception in their heterosexual intimate relationships.¹

Partly aware, fully inexperienced, I further enquired, “Right swipe?” Agape at my ignorance, she swiftly pointed her screen towards me displaying the then most popular dating app Tinder. “Ah!” I exclaimed, pretending to understand everything about the digital world of romance and dating. My attention slowly drifted from the routine interview questions I had set out to ask, to this technologically driven ‘nain-mattakka’ (flirtatious, romantic exchange of glances). In whatever she chose to tell me about her escapades on the dating app, a lot resonated with what I learned later about other participants’ experiences of using the apps. It is a tiny peep into a gamut of inner realities of dating and digital intimacies that remain insufficiently examined, hiding a complex universe of questions as well as possibilities waiting to be uncovered. While downplaying the stress and anxiety associated with dating and sometimes dating multiple people, women actively explore their desires, in the process, ‘finding’ out what it is that they really want, even if at times it is marriage (mostly emanating from the fatigue of an unending cycle of dating).

Social realities in India are changing faster than the latest fashion trends. The new India comprising mostly young twenty-somethings is increasingly deferring marriage, taking up higher education opportunities and constantly moving to different cities for jobs. And of course the rising divorce rate in the country indicates a rejection of heteropatriarchal ideas of marriage and companionship. Thus, choices and life decisions, including notions about love, sex, marriage and even friendship, are evolving to be radically different from those of the earlier generations. In such a scenario, the digital world opens up countless avenues for different kinds of intimacies, relationships, friendships, and dating, creating the reassuring sense that there are options, and that women in particular can build intimate connections on their own terms.

The ever-growing market of dating apps has massively changed the way we meet people, how we organise our relationships or even how we end them, even though there are far fewer women on dating apps in India as compared to men (Mittal & Bhatt, 2023). Nevertheless, the increasing numbers seem to mark women’s digital presence and there may be an enormous change that is underway, even though not necessarily revolutionary in and of itself. The young women I spoke to were quick to categorise different dating apps (Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, etc.), but even quicker to categorise the men they meet on the apps. This was not as simple or random as it may seem at first, it had a pattern to it which I could see after collecting a significant number of narratives from women. Devyani² quipped about the “corporate types”, Gita was visibly annoyed at the “horny lot” and Kalki was clearly disenchanted by the “nice, but badly dressed” ones. The categorisations also emanated from ideas around interest in casual sex which everyone seemed to imply was becoming the primary reason behind the growing number of users.

It may seem obvious, but it is striking how terms such as ‘casual sex’ and ‘hooking up’ have come to occupy not only linguistic space but also a significant social one, particularly in contexts like ours. It is worth asking how these shifts have played out within already unequal heterosexual relationships. While women could frame their sexual or personal experiences in terms of ‘casualness’, this language also signalled a broader transformation of a landscape long dominated by ideals of romance, commitment, legality, etc. What became especially compelling in this ‘new’ terrain shaped by technology was the way it continually renegotiated the gendered norms of social exchange in heterosexual partnerships. It often seemed as though participants entered relationships with an anticipated end already in mind. In some ways, that felt liberating. But what do these technologized, ephemeral intimacies ultimately mean for the future of interpersonal relationships?

For Hina, a 24-year-old graduate, it seemed clear what she wanted from men and especially from the ones she met on dating apps. Coming from a small town in UP and living in a household where women’s behaviour and interactions with men were constantly under scrutiny, being in Delhi was an opportunity for her to break free. She did not seek anything long-term, but experienced ‘romantic possibilities’ with a few men and wanted to keep dating and have ‘recreational’ sex. With a confident, composed demeanour she shared, “See I liked the idea that as a woman I could have sex with men without being judged – if being on apps does have this meaning attached to it, I really did not see it as a problem.”

Similarly, for Kamiya, who was explicit about her desire to explore her sexuality without having to carry any socio-cultural baggage of being a woman or being in love or in a long-term commitment, dating apps worked as a ‘controlled’ mechanism. She asserted, “Even though you may think otherwise, it was not easy.” She said, “Developing a healthy sexual exchange required us to undo the distance, detached style of ‘no strings attached’… like you know – there may not be love-love but there still can be some intimacy to start with.” Kamiya was deliberate about maintaining boundaries and often avoided revealing “too much” about her personal life. For her, a certain level of curiosity about one another helped sustain these temporary relationships a bit longer. She also recalled that, at one point, their sharing erotic films helped maintain both the momentum and the excitement of their sexual relationship.

The initial few interactions on the apps determine the partners’ interest and comfort in moving forward and how they will do so. Conversations ranged from brief, formal exchanges to more personal discussions about careers, family backgrounds, and past relationships, sometimes progressing to intimate disclosures about sexual preferences. This openness fostered a sense of camaraderie, though sometimes it was perceived as excessive. For some, the excessiveness felt intrusive, while for others it led to a more organic, positive experience. At 30, Radhika did not want to play around on dating apps and was looking for friendships that were “meaningful”. After experiencing a painful break up, many crass conversations on the app, and avoiding unwanted sexual invitations, she found a man who respected her wish to not meet and yet continued to express care. “You will not believe, in four months I could discuss anything … like my menstrual cycles even. I was very comfortable with the idea of just being behind the screen… eventually both of us got busy with our own lives, but I think I will remember it fondly”.

People on apps do develop partnerships which prize intimacy and happiness above other social or cultural concerns, even though these relationships are potentially less durable due to their ‘contingent’ nature. Women’s experiences, like the ones discussed above, were often entangled with their getting emotionally attached or trying to keep themselves from emotional involvement. Interestingly, these tensions sometimes appeared more amplified in men.

The convergence of technology and romance opens up a complex network of possibilities for discovering, cultivating, and experiencing various forms of intimacy where romantic connection can emerge unexpectedly, and sexual fulfilment may unfold in new or unbounded ways.

In contemporary times, the search for a companion on dating apps, even platforms designed for marriage for that matter, is a complex mix of emotions, ranging from excitement to fatigue. But it is this finding that takes precedence, the quest continues. As Simone de Beauvoir observes, humans have a deep desire to be desired; in the context of dating apps, this is slowly manifested as the desire to find and to be found, a desire that is both reshaped and validated through digital interactions. Despite this, technology is often discussed only in terms of convenience and accessibility, while its role in transforming the very process and purpose of seeking a partner remains underexplored. Thus, navigating intimacy online, though mediated by screens, can feel as “real” and significant as the practical act of finding a partner in everyday life. Still, the question remains: what kind of relationships are being cultivated in this digital terrain of screens and swipes, and how might they redefine our expectations of intimacy, commitment, and connection?

Reference

Mittal, A. & Bhatt, S. (2023, October, 23). Fall in Love: Is online dating getting outdated? The Economic Times. https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/india/fall-in-love-is-online-dating-getting-outdated/articleshow/104787073.cms?from=mdr

Cover image by appshunter.io on Unsplash