Our group of seven first-year MBA students was assigned a project to work on creating a repository of cases of crimes against queer and trans individuals, creating a heat map out of it to identify patterns. We all dived into the project with our own sets of prejudices and pre-conceived notions. That’s when we realised that sexuality is much more complex for queer men than it is for straight men. We came across multiple dating app scams against queer men. This is how they worked: queer men were targeted on dating apps, called on a date and were then robbed and assaulted. The pattern was repeated again and again in multiple cases. We used to hear about similar cases against women, but how are queer men so vulnerable to such scams? Were women and queer men similar in a way we did not recognise? Was it because they refused to wear the mask of traditional or, rather, toxic masculinity?
After reading multiple testimonials across social media and news outlets, we realised that two factors are used to blackmail queer men. First, is threatening to release compromising content. After being called on a date, compromising content is recorded secretly without the knowledge of the victim or against their will. The compromising content includes intimate photos or anything else shared by the victim thinking they are in a trusted and safe space. We have heard of the same happening with women. Compromising content for women can cause grave harm, especially in societies like India where there is a cultural and social pressure for a woman to have ‘dignity’ and ‘pure character’. We have never associated compromising content much with men before. The compromising content for queer men involves them hooking up with another man. Queer men are often reduced to stereotypes about promiscuity or hypersexuality. As sexual activity is still stigmatised in our society, even for openly gay men, being seen as sexually active, especially through casual hookups is judged negatively. So the queer man may be out of the closet (openly gay) but the sensitivity of the content makes them vulnerable to these scams. The second method of blackmailing is threatening to expose their sexuality to the world, in case the man is not openly gay. In these cases, the ‘secret’ of their sexual identity makes these men susceptible to these crimes. Sexual identity, which is so simple for a straight person, can be deeply complex for a queer person.
Despite the high number of dating scams, why aren’t queer men wary of strangers online? Well, in a way queer men are risk-takers. They challenge traditionally defined gender roles, by rejecting traditional masculinity, by embracing their feminine and masculine sides, by expressing their vulnerability, and sometimes by their defiance of traditional heterosexual marriage. However, it would be an overstatement to say that queer men are entirely free from toxic masculinity. But how is that possible? Don’t they challenge these very norms? Aren’t gay men portrayed as women’s best friends and their safe space in the media and literature?
During our desk research, we encountered cases of queer men deceiving straight women into marriage by hiding their sexuality, only to continue cheating on them post wedding, leaving the woman’s life in turmoil. All of us thought they must have done it under societal pressure and had no other choice, but during a discussion with our professor/mentor for this project, Dr Andy Silveira, we found another perspective on this matter. Many closeted queer men don’t want to lose the privilege, power and freedom that come with patriarchy. So, they go to any extent to protect the ‘secret’ of their sexual identity, like deceiving a girl into marriage or paying huge amounts of money to a scammer, which makes them easy targets for exploitation.
The complex relationship between masculinity and sexuality requires a more thorough examination of the cultural structures that sustain these vulnerabilities. It is important to bear in mind that queer men may have different experiences based on their specific cultural, social, and economic situations. For example, a queer man living in an urban area of India might benefit from increased social support or a sense of anonymity, while an individual from a rural or more conservative environment may need to act more ‘masculine’ or he might face ostracism, scrutiny, or even violence. Therefore, a universal approach to comprehending their vulnerabilities would be inadequate.
Furthermore, social media and dating platforms provide new opportunities for connection, but they also elevate the potential risk of harm associated with any online engagement. The anonymity of the interaction can serve both as a source of freedom and potential exploitation. For many queer men, particularly those who haven’t come out to their families or communities, these platforms serve as a vital resource – a place to reveal their true selves and search for emotional connection. Nonetheless, this same transparency can leave them susceptible. Exploiters frequently take advantage of their desire for privacy, affirmation, or love, using trust to manipulate, deceive, and in some cases, blackmail them.
If communities were more open and knowledgeable, queer men wouldn’t feel the need to conceal their identities in the first place. Some organisations, such as The Humsafar Trust and The Naz Foundation, provide safe environments in major cities, but many regions lack this sort of support. In the absence of awareness and acceptance, queer men continue to feel isolated, which increases the likelihood of unsafe or hidden encounters.
This highlights the importance of discussions about masculinity and sexuality – not just within the queer community, but in all spheres. Boys should be raised to understand that there isn’t just one way to be masculine. Schools, families, and community groups need to foster safe spaces where everyone, irrespective of their identity, can live openly and securely. Only then can we diminish the damage caused by shame, secrecy, and silence.
Cover Image by Jakub Żerdzicki on Unsplash
