My scooty self-starter switch had stopped functioning. I had to kick-start my scooty, and after a point it became really irritating. I took it to a mechanic and explained what was happening. He looked at me for a few seconds and tried the self-starter. Before even checking the switch, he told me there was something wrong with the internal wiring, that some part inside had been damaged and that we would have to open the scooty to find out what was wrong. He had already put a price of around Rs. 2,000 on a problem he hadn’t even checked. 

I told him it must be a problem with the switch and that he should check it. He then asked if my brother would come to collect the scooty. I said no, I would take it. He gave a smirky smile and said that my brother should do this work. I got annoyed and told him I would get my scooty repaired somewhere else. What made me angrier was that he was trying to fool me and had assumed that I would not understand that I was being overcharged. The cunningness on his face was the most problematic part.

The irony was that my father used to get the scooty repaired by the same mechanic. When he was around, I never thought much about who handled these things. He was the one who would take care of the repairs, driving, travelling, construction work, financial decisions and many of the things that needed to be dealt with outside the house. His presence was like an umbrella for all of us, and I felt secure knowing that he was there. 

I am not saying that having a male presence in one’s life is wrong. It does give one a sense of security. But somewhere I feel being a woman who was always taught to stay on the back foot because you believe you need a man to protect you is not right. I started noticing how important financial decisions, significant responsibilities or dealing with difficult situations were automatically seen as things men should handle because they were considered strong enough to make such decisions. 

I started seeing the same thing in heterosexual relationships too. Women were taught that they should know how to handle a relationship, understand the partner, adjust with his behaviour and deal with his ways. The responsibility of making the relationship work somehow became more of a woman’s responsibility. She had to care, be empathetic, understand, manage the household and put everyone else’s needs before her own. A man’s responsibility was often seen through what he brought financially, and because he was earning, many other things he did or did not do were not questioned in the same way. 

I think that somewhere I had also started believing that this was what being committed to someone meant. I had to adjust, sacrifice, be more responsible and keep trying to make things work. I was made to believe that I would be more comfortable giving rather than receiving. Somewhere I felt that if I were doing everything for the person and for the relationship, they would stay, understand me, value me, protect me and eventually reciprocate. I felt that if I stopped caring, the relationship would not survive. I was the one holding that thread tightly, knowing that I was the one who was bleeding the most because of it. The other person might not even care about my absence. For a long time, I didn’t question it. I thought this was what commitment looked like. You adjust, you sacrifice, you keep trying and you don’t leave easily because you have chosen the person. It took me time to realise that maybe holding on to someone and being committed to them are not always the same thing. 

Over time, I started seeing things differently when I saw women becoming more vocal about what they wanted from their relationships and what they were not ready to accept. This came with financial independence, when women slowly started earning their own money, which gave them more voice in the relationship. They were not restricting themselves to the standards that were created for them. I also started seeing that a relationship doesn’t have to work only because the man is bringing in the money and the woman is managing everything else. Sometimes you will do more and sometimes the other person will. It can change, and that doesn’t make what either person is doing less important. 

This also made me reflect on how I had understood sexuality. I think I had also connected my sexuality with commitment without even realising it. Growing up, the values I was taught were very clear: you have sex with one person, that too after marriage, and then you have a family with that person. So when someone approached me romantically or sexually, it was never only about whether I liked that person or was attracted to them. Somewhere in my mind, it would also become, “Will I marry this person?” Marriage was already connected to my sexuality. 

I think for a long time I didn’t even understand my own sexual desires as a point of conversation. 

It seems to me, it was like when a man wants sex, a woman has to be there. I never really thought about whether she wanted it. Her consent, her bodily autonomy was something I never really thought, or knew, about. I believed that if they were ‘doing it’, it was because both wanted it that way. 

Sometimes I also felt that sex was the only space where a patriarchal man would listen to a woman. Outside of that, there were so many things where a woman’s wants or opinions could easily be ignored, but somehow sex became the place where men would listen. 

For me, it is still simply a question of whether it is right to have sex before marriage. I have never judged people who are or were in sexual relationships. I have always felt it is their choice and their life. But as for me, I still don’t know. The values I was taught remain with me even now, and I don’t know whether I should follow them or question them. 

I feel sexuality and commitment are so connected for me that I can’t figure out the answer. They have always come together in my mind. I don’t know how much of it is what I was taught and how much of it is what I actually feel. This is something I am still trying to understand for myself. 

A little update – my scooty is working fine now. It was a problem with the self-starter switch. That smirking mechanic never got to repair my scooty but he did get me to question many things.

Cover image by Mariano Rivas on Unsplash