To comprehend what commitment truly means, we must first engage with how the dominant discourse creates an idea (rather illusion) of commitment. We are learning from queer-trans intimacies that commitment is an emotional experience and a process that we ‘do’. However, in the dominant discourse, there seems to be no space for commitment to be a felt experience or a process. Commitment is only understood as cis-heterosexual marriage. Commitment equals marriage, a marriage between a cis-heterosexual man and a cis-heterosexual woman, a husband-wife, a forever, monogamous bond. These criteria are meant to be obeyed if commitment is to be upheld. Even if there is cheating or violence, as long as the marriage does not end in separation or divorce, it is considered a successful commitment. What this false ideal creates is a standard against which commitment is measured. If you deviate from marriage then your commitment is never taken as seriously, the togetherness is not valued and the work put in to ‘do’ the commitment goes unnoticed. If commitment is measured in longevity, what becomes of commitments that are intense and don’t last a lifetime? If commitment is monogamous, what happens to commitments that have multiple bonds? To learn commitment we must first unlearn what commitment is!
Commitment is a practice that should be intentionally navigated. To demonstrate this, I will draw upon the lives of eight couples from my book Homo and Juliet, published by Yoda Press. These stories illuminate the expansiveness of commitment rather than the narrow confines that marriage has us believe. The commitment we see in marriages is socially prescribed, demands obedience and should be called out for what it is – a form of control. That is not the institution we should rely on to learn about commitment. Commitment is marked by marriage which is marked by monogamy, ‘forever’, marriage anniversary, and celebration by others (social sanction) as musts.
Queers show us how this is done differently. We can learn from the margins and a few examples shared here are indicative of the breadth and depth of the landscape of commitment.
Monogamy as only one of the formats of a relationship
Queer couples often don’t assume but, instead, discuss relationship formats. Open, poly, monogamous, exclusive, throuples, polycules are some descriptions. Negotiations about relationship formats happen without any social or legal scripts to enforce promises. Couples depend on interpersonal meaning-making to negotiate, build and sustain the relationship they want with each other. This indicates huge amounts of trust in each other and a respect for what they share. Pooja and I are in a monogamous relationship. After about four years into our relationship, we negotiated that Pooja would explore sexually with butches. Her femme lesbian identity needed validation and exploration after years of being misunderstood as feminine and therefore objectified by men. While the past cannot be undone, the future can be shaped to allow for possibilities. In the safety and security of our committed relationship, we could create space for possibilities.
Forever is not the destination
“We describe us as being together,” says Preet. What Sid and Preet mean by this, is not necessarily a matter of longevity of the relationship but a genuine desire to be with the person they love, and continuing to put in effort to be with one another even in the absence of any guarantees by external sources. Aditi adds, “It is not a happy, shiny, live-happily-ever-after kind of story. I think somewhere both of us are aware that at any point of time, anything can come to an end. Any journey can come to an end. But we want to prioritise this and each other. There’s a lot of respect. We respect each other too much to not treat this frivolously. I want her to be happy, she wants me to be happy and if we are not going to be happy with each other, we shouldn’t hold each other back.” Commitment is when couples reflect on their journey together from time to time and shift the meanings of commitment to each other as they grow and the relationship changes.
Lameeya reflects about Naina and herself, “We were so young and now the love is deeper. It is wider. It feels different. We have been through so much stuff together, not like stuff in the relationship with each other, but illnesses, career changes, unemployment, messes with parents, adopting animals, their care. So many things have shifted at so many different points. So a lot of these discussions [commitment discussions] have happened. We had this discussion one month into a relationship that this is meant to be forever. But what does that even mean, right, at that point? But when we’ve had that discussion five years into the relationship, it obviously meant much more than that conversation one month into the relationship.”
Commitment celebrations
Unlike heterosexual couples whose commitment (whether voluntary or not) is sealed via marriage, queer couples celebrate commitment in a variety of ways. They may exchange rings, they may put sindhoor, they may exchange commitment vows … gestures that celebrate their togetherness. Couples or units may not necessarily celebrate only one day as an anniversary unlike married couples. They celebrate many special days that are markers of their commitment. Tejaswee and Sneha were both in heterosexual marriages when they fell in love with each other in their mid-30s. They knew that they could not get married to each other, but they wanted to solemnise what they are. Sneha took a pinch of sindoor and applied it in Tejaswee’s hair parting in the traditional manner. These commitment ceremonies unfortunately do not receive the legal and social sanction they deserve, but for the people involved these ceremonies are very meaningful. Meaning that might not find manifestation in prevalent social scripts but is painstakingly carved out of the love that they feel for each other.
Sap and Neel have been together for 30 years. Neel says, “I shared on some family WhatsApp groups about me, that Neel and I are a couple. On FB, I have posted that it is our anniversary and my middle sister who I came out to; she only did a thumbs up. They did not wish us for our anniversary. So people know but they think it is not as good as ours [heterosexual marriage anniversaries].” For 30 years now, Sap and Neel made their anniversary special for each other every year. “Every single year, every single anniversary, we have spent together.”
Commitment as interpersonal and not necessarily social
Commitment is an agreement made between all people involved. Commitment is not a given, it is negotiated through interpersonal meaning-making, shared values, agreed boundaries, open communication, caregiving, conflict resolution and ground rules. Khushi was driven out of her town due to domestic violence. The couple were separated as a result of this violence and no future was seeming possible for them. After a year and a half, Shourya said to Khushi, “Come home. Be with me. Let’s not do this anymore. Let us live together. We cannot live in hiding. We cannot live in fear. We are a couple. We love each other. You come back home and let us share a
home. We will face the consequences.” To Khushi and Shourya, commitment meant facing social hostility as a team.
For Sid, commitment means not losing the person even if the relationship ends, “Ex is such a bizarre word to use. I mean, why do you need to lose a person? Dynamics, interpersonally, may change, but why would I lose the person? It is one of the strongest relationships I have and there is no reason to let go of it. It has been hard but loving each other and caring for each other, banking on each other, the trust that you have is important in these negotiations.”
Aditi and Ameya’s philosophy is “finding ways to make it work”. They believe commitment is a discussion of equals, where there are no [enforced] gender roles, it is about sharing responsibilities.’ Akshata and Anubhuti, a trans-lesbian couple, share, “The world right now is targeting trans people. It is an intentional targeting. So what I told Akshata is that whatever happens, we can never misunderstand each other. Because we will always be the people who understand each other, regardless of whatever someone else may say. So we should maintain that.”
Conclusion
Commitment is an intention that is then demonstrated. It is felt and lived. Commitment is an experience of togetherness, not marked by an enforced monogamy or longevity. It is not a template of a relationship in itself. In marriage it is prescribed. In queerness it is described.
The question, are we going to be together or not can be quite moot in a hostile society where everything threatens to tear us apart. “How are we going to be together?” is the question to think about, to figure out, and to do the work it takes. Commitment is about investing in each other because we love, like and care about each other.
Cover image by Yuriy Vertikov on Unsplash
