Commitment is an ever-evolving value in our life. Like honesty, loyalty, and empathy, commitment comes with ‘obligation’. Commitment is a continuum. In sociology, I have learnt that caste and class are not separate exclusive abstract concepts; similarly as in the rural-urban divide, everything is on a continuum. Commitment in a relationship might start with the ending of a previous relationship, and it can also last after a relationship is over. Because deep inside us, we carry the values of ‘obligation’. When we are committed to something or someone, we find purpose, meaning and value. Even our smallest acts when done with care become meaningful and loving.

Commitment can be anchored to both a person and a piece of work. We aspire for a particular reward from it. It does not have to be objective or materialistic, but reasonable. Someone might think of intangible values like love, sacrifice, warmth, kindness as a reciprocal reward, that they aspire to get from a commitment, when they are with someone, while after the completion of a task they committed to, they might feel that they deserve a reward like cash, a trophy, or a valuable object.

In any relationship, we humans want to feel validated. We crave for acceptance, love, reward, joy, celebrations, and even if there is a conflict, we hope that like childhood friendship, everything will be resolved with a pinky promise. Here then comes commitment, when we promise each other that we will be friends, partners, spouses, or whatever we want to label ourselves. We confirm to the other person, that our actions will carry meaning, honesty and transparency with them. Whatever we experience will be shared and discussed. We then become dependent on each other, not because we are ‘dependent’ in nature, but commitment makes us share, co-habit and become interdependent. Commitment brings out a new self within us.

When I was a kid, I was committed to a few of my ‘exclusive’ friends. I considered them special. I wanted an exclusive group, and thus we can say that commitment is ‘exclusive’. It makes us feel exclusive. It reminds us of the past, of the origin – that on that day, at that moment, with those people, I wished to create a bond, and thus I am committed. When someone is committed to a relationship or friendship, they share not only the past but also a shared vision for the future. Their memories also become a part of their identity, helping them remember not only their present relationship but also who they have become through it. Commitment becomes an invisible glue that keeps the relationship together even during bad times If there is a threat of a breakup in a group of friends, this value of ‘commitment’, makes us remember that we are together, and therefore we should think twice about what we are doing. The same thing happens in relationships. When I was in a relationship, every day, every moment, especially at times of conflict, it was this ‘commitment’ that would take me back to the past, to the origin, to the day when it all started. It helped me to decide both rationally and emotionally, as well as made me hold on to things a little longer. It helped me to envision the future, that there could be nice possibilities, and therefore let’s reflect on the issue and not react with anguish or anxiety.

But this remembering is not effortless. Sometimes we do feel exhausted. As a non-binary person, I remember when I developed feelings for a guy in our class, while I was in class 8. I had a crush on him. That crush developed into ‘love’ over time, and it continued for 10 years. The guy only knew that I wanted friendship; he did not know that my heart wanted more. I was more committed to him than he to me. Commitment in romance is more intense than in friendship. It makes you do things for the other, keeping very little for yourself. Later, he stopped being friends with me, and I also decided to give him space. I never revealed to him that I loved him beyond the boundaries of friendship. My commitment towards him made me care for him, worry about him every moment and generated a powerful force inside of me, to be there for him all the time. My peers called it an exploitation of my worth, but my feeling of commitment was authentic and a form of self-discovery.

Slowly my love and attention faded away due to many unintended events that happened in my life. From passing out of a toxic school, to discovering my identity, reading books and watching valuable films, engaging with community members, meeting new people, I gathered new values and experiences that ultimately made me change towards him. You know, love doesn’t allow us to question our lovers and therefore we see few faults in them. His actions too changed, but I cannot blame him, because my commitment came naturally towards him. As Maggie Smith (Aunt Violet), rightly puts it in the series Downtown Abbey, “When Tragedy hits, someone needs to be blamed”. Therefore, I decided that I could not carry on with this limerence for him. Somewhere I had to quit, but that doesn’t end my commitment towards him.

I remember that, after him, I decided to love another man in my life. This time it was different because it was a romantic relationship from the beginning. He is someone who is very loyal, committed and invested in building and sustaining a relationship. During this time, I had also developed a strong friendship connection with a person named Devi. She and I both shared the same gender identity and because of our experiences of different forms of violence, we became beyond friends. We became ‘sisters’, kin, a family. Earlier I used to believe that commitment is also hierarchical, i.e, no different from any other social structure, whereby the commitment in love/romance is more intense. But now I believe that ‘commitment value’ is subjective. It is not fixed, quantitative or measured, like money. It is based on meaning and is rooted in emotions, values, shared experiences and mental compatibility. The longer the shared past becomes, the longer the shared history of experience and journeys becomes, the deeper the commitment grows.

Now finally, I would like to answer: Do commitments evolve with time? And do they remain authentic? I personally strongly believe they do.

To remain authentic doesn’t depend on others. It comes organically through experiences. Even after my breakup with the second guy, I still kept a distant friendship with him. Our communication style changed, our future aspirations changed. But my commitment towards him didn’t. I still ask him how his day was, whether he is upset, or what new thing he is doing in his life. I try to involve him in my life, my events and my journeys, just like I do my sister Devi. My commitments for my first love also remain. Commitments do diminish or fade away over time. They decrease because of reduced involvement, but they always remain there like a dormant volcano. They sleep deep down in our unconscious. I remember that even after three years without long conversations, I decided to attend my first love’s birthday. I wished him good luck and health, and gifted him a nice T-shirt. I was in a relationship with someone else, yet I went, having told my boyfriend. Because deep down, my authentic self is connected with the authenticity of my word of commitment.

Lastly, I would like to quote from the series Outlander, where Claire in one of the seasons, shares her insights with the viewers: “If Time is God, Memory is the devil. What we know, someone else will not know. It will remain eternal”. Likewise, let’s not believe that commitments always have to be reciprocal or two-way. Let our inner souls decide what and how we perceive others. Let’s make our experiences with people so intense, that even though the nature of commitments evolves over time, they remain authentic like our own self-identity. Ultimately it is ‘time’ and ‘memory’, which will decide how we will shape our ‘commitments’.

Cover image by Nicole Baster on Unsplash