A very hot July afternoon had forcibly pushed both of us inside a fancy Delhi mall. The air-conditioner was bringing some relief to us. We were walking side-by-side looking at glittering shops when my fingers touched his hand. He smiled at me and our fingers were entangled within seconds. As we were browsing through glass windows of shops showcasing their finest work, I realised that a fidgety figure was walking beside me. I looked up at him and he smiled nervously at me. I smiled back and quickened my pace but after a few seconds I again found him next to me. Before I could say anything or react he said, \u201cExcuse me?\u201d I turned towards this strange man and stared at him. He continued talking, \u201cI am sorry but are both of you dating?\u201d I scanned him and turned towards my partner: he was absolutely expressionless. I said, \u201cThat\u2019s none of your business.\u201d<\/p>\n
The stranger piped up with some urgency, \u201cI am really sorry. I am not trying to be a jerk but was curious if you guys are involved as we don\u2019t see many couples like you.\u201d Obviously, this statement was followed by a nervous smile.<\/p>\n
I am sure I looked disgusted as I said, \u201cYes, we are. I don\u2019t know what you mean by \u2018couples like you\u2019. But yes we are very much a couple.\u201d I grabbed my partner\u2019s hand and walked away. A minute later, my partner turned around and hugged me and said, \u201cDoes it really matter? People will always talk, just let them be.\u201d<\/p>\n
True were his words that people will always talk, but why? What was so wrong with us? Was it because he was shorter and I was taller? Or was it because that when we hugged he was more in my embrace than me in his? Or was it that I had to bend a bit to kiss him? Strange how perceptions work about couples \u2013 no matter which identity one conforms to.<\/p>\n
The incident in the mall definitely made me think of the idea of \u2018standard couple\u2019 vs. \u2018odd couple\u2019. The guy in the mall recognised that we definitely had something going on but because of the height difference he had difficulty accepting this fact. And this is true for most people around us. They see us but they only tend to see the height difference and nothing more. I know this because when people see our pictures they don\u2019t exclaim, \u201cWhat a sweet\/gorgeous\/cute\/adorable\/awesome couple!\u201d but I always receive a hesitant smile followed by a bland \u201cNice\u201d. We definitely don\u2019t fulfil the criteria of a \u2018standard couple\u2019 because he is not tall, dark and handsome in the conventional sense and I am not delicate and petite in any sense.<\/p>\n
Most people think of us not just as an \u2018odd\u2019 couple but a couple where the man is not \u2018man enough\u2019 and the woman is not \u2018woman enough.\u2019 Somehow direct linkages have been drawn between masculinity, power and height. This means that the taller person wields power over the shorter one \u2013 woman in this case \u2013 and invalidates his masculinity. This is because in a true patriarchal world men will always be taller. On the other hand, women are supposed to be submissive, timid and built in a way that men can protect them. Therefore, we are not a couple from any fairy tale but of a true tale \u2013 which seems to agitate people around us.<\/p>\n
We are a couple that people think can never make our relationship last because something is \u2018wrong\u2019 with us and that something is way too \u2018off\u2019 than the issues (if I have to call it an issue) most other couples experience. My partner and I have had a healthy relationship for many years now. He has understood my values and ideologies and I have understood his struggles and joys with utmost respect. We have shared our experiences and have never felt that there is anything missing. There hasn\u2019t been a moment when I have been bothered by the height difference between us but there hasn\u2019t been a single time when we are out in public and haven\u2019t experienced sniggering and sexist comments. What disgusts me the most is when people ask me, \u201c How are you going to live as a normal couple?\u201d<\/p>\n
What is a \u2018normal\u2019 or \u2018standard\u2019 couple? Is it a couple who look perfect on the outside with all their human rights being thrown out of the window? I have friends and family where the woman compromises her rights everyday and the gender roles are so strictly etched in stone that the man doesn\u2019t even enter the kitchen to get a glass of water. I also know of many women who experience domestic violence and public harassment from partners on a regular basis and yet in the mirror and in pictures they appear perfect. Somehow appearance has a larger acceptability than the idea of compatibility, understanding and respect. I remember a friend of mine saying, \u201cEverything is fine now, but you will realize that this height difference is a bigger baggage once you have a kid. The kid will be teased in school because both of you will look so \u2018odd together\u2019. How will you deal with your own child hating you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Even as an \u2018odd couple\u2019 we are expected to meet the norms of a \u2018standard\u2019 couple \u2013 no discounts there. When people realize that his manhood and my womanhood isn\u2019t being challenged, my motherhood and his fatherhood are challenged. I don\u2019t understand this argument. Why do people assume that we want to be parents? Also, if I do plan to have a kid, won\u2019t our parenting matter? Will it only be bullies in school who will define my child\u2019s life?<\/p>\n
I have cousin who was arguing with me regarding the height difference between my partner and I, using the same argument as my other friend. I very calmly stated, \u201cI don\u2019t want to be a mother; rather I don\u2019t see motherhood as the ultimate reason for my existence.\u201d I could see her eyes widened and she retorted, \u201cMaybe you won\u2019t be able to. Don\u2019t know if proper<\/em> sex is possible between couples like you.\u201d Again the argument was \u2018couples like you\u2019. All I could do at this point was laugh. I know many people wonder if sexually we are compatible. But let me assure people that there is no connection between height and sex. Many tall men have sex with much shorter women so why should it be any different for a tall woman and a short man? But people assume that either one of us has some hormonal imbalance and that if we have been able to dismiss society\u2019s rejection of us as a couple then definitely biology should fail us so that our relationship can be \u2018naturally\u2019 proved wrong.<\/p>\n The journey with my partner has been met with questions, sniggering, jokes and harassment \u2013 especially in a city like Delhi, which I have always felt to be a very masculine and aggressive space. We have had to justify our togetherness in many ways. I am a feminist and have never thought of identities, specially superficial ones, to be a limiting factor when it comes to relationships of any kind. I never thought a guy shorter than me would make me feel any less of a woman or incomplete.<\/p>\n I know most of our relatives were shocked to see us together. I know their brains were looking for some rationalisation from either of us but it never came. Every time he meets my relatives they all smile at him and say, \u201cHow boyish you look\u201d. I really don\u2019t understand who has given them the right to comment on anyone\u2019s appearance. But they immediately shut up when they hear that he is working in an impressive institution with a good salary. What the relatives consider to be lacking (height) is compensated for by finances. Maybe, that\u2019s the rationale that people look for. It\u2019s not looks but money. Also, I know some of them think I am a cradle-snatcher even though he is a year older than me. It sometimes still hurts me to hear these things but like my partner says, \u201cJust let them be.\u201d<\/p>\n To be true to both of us, patriarchy has put a lot of pressure on every couple to appear perfect, but I see that my partner is incessantly pushed to prove himself much more both in terms of achievements and masculinity. He has to be more of a beer drinker, soccer lover and pink hater than most other men. It is outrageous that something like one\u2019s height can put so much pressure on a person.<\/p>\n Something even more disappointing is when your feminist and very liberal friends also react to this kind of issue as if it\u2019s a disease. They somehow or the other have always ended up saying, \u201cYou might be ok dating a shorter man but I won\u2019t ever be able to.\u201d It\u2019s then when you know how deeply patriarchy has entered into each of our psyches.<\/p>\n Both of us, have recently, decided to get married and will be in a marriage that I like to call a subversive marriage. Subversive marriages are based on an uncompromising equality and negotiations that serve for the betterment of both the partners. We have never believed in traditional gender roles and in conforming to them. We have shared work and responsibility both within and outside of the household. I know that on the day of the wedding people will find their own reasons for understanding why it is that we are marrying each other. But for me it is because we are both staunch supporters of equality, rights and justice.<\/p>\n I have never experienced violence or disrespect from my partner. We have differences which we resolve or negotiate but never wield power to bring them to an end. We walk together and have never cared who looks at us because the odd-ness in our relationship makes me hopeful of a less superficial, stringent and heteronormative society where love truly is unconditional and is not accompanied by societal baggage. I hope for a marriage for us that is filled with negotiations and odd-ness because being perfect entails too much pressure.<\/p>\n Note: My partner and I met when we were 19. I have thought about these issues for many years and writing this piece hasn\u2019t been easy because somewhere you know that making height (or any factor for that matter) an issue to make someone uncomfortable with their relationship is outrageous, especially when there are more pressing matters in the world. I remember a photo (given above) where a little African-American girl is saying, \u201cAll the problems in the world today and you\u2019re mad \u2019cause my parents don\u2019t match?\u201d I wish all of us could be as smart as this little girl.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A very hot July afternoon had forcibly pushed both of us inside a fancy Delhi mall. 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