{"id":5882,"date":"2015-05-01T11:00:10","date_gmt":"2015-05-01T05:30:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak?p=5882"},"modified":"2018-08-01T16:20:25","modified_gmt":"2018-08-01T10:50:25","slug":"the-adolescent-and-the-family-rethinking-restraint-dialogue-and-inter-dependence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/the-adolescent-and-the-family-rethinking-restraint-dialogue-and-inter-dependence\/","title":{"rendered":"The Adolescent and the Family: Rethinking Restraint, Dialogue and Inter-dependence"},"content":{"rendered":"

An integral part of adolescents\u2019 lived experiences of sexuality and romance often include negotiations with their families[1]<\/a>. My research indicates that romantic love amongst adolescents is termed as a distraction by parents, as something which \u2018hampers\u2019 studies, is \u2018risky\u2019 and not supposed to be \u2018indulged\u2019 in.<\/em> Romantic love is best thought about after and outside the space of schooling. But this does not foreclose the fact that adolescents do have romantic and sexual relationships. Apart from rebellion, runaway marriages, and facing the danger of \u2018honour\u2019 killings, what are the different ways in which adolescents can and do negotiate daily with the family around questions of romance and sexuality[2]<\/a>? To examine this, I will engage with sections from a book titled Get Set Grow: Ten Tools for Happy-Go-Healthy Teens<\/em> (2013), by Anne de Braganca Cunha<\/a>, a Mumbai based counsellor and writer. Borrowing from my research, I will also look at some narratives of a few 19 year old students\u2019 negotiations with their families in Mumbai.<\/p>\n

When I talk of negotiations I have in mind the term \u2018bargaining with patriarchy\u2019 borrowed from Deniz Kandiyoti<\/a> who discusses<\/a> how \u201cwomen strategize within a set of concrete constraints\u201d. These bargains \u201cinfluence both the potential for and specific forms of women’s active or passive resistance in the face of their oppression.\u201d (Kandiyoti, 1988: 275)<\/p>\n

Cunha\u2019s book is distributed by an elite private school in South Mumbai to its adolescent students[3]<\/a>. I would like to examine the section titled \u201cMake Peace with your Parents\u201d from Cunha\u2019s book to understand how she lays out the ways in which adolescents can \u2018bargain\u2019 or negotiate with the family around issues of romance. The book sets the tone that sex is firmly within heterosexual marriage \u2013 between husband and wife \u2013 though heterosexual dating is allowed. The family in Cunha\u2019s book is understood as comprising of parents and child(ren).<\/p>\n

Dating<\/em><\/p>\n

If there is somebody you like, bring him\/her over to your home together with a couple of friends, so that your parents can get to know them. Your parents may have a wise opinion. Listen and discuss maturely, without hitting the roof if they are not ecstatic. If the puppy love grows to maturity, your parents will understand and accept. Let your parents know where you are with whom at all times. Keeping to deadlines will help build trust.<\/p>\n

Double Standards <\/em><\/p>\n

\u2018Nita has been banned from inviting boys for her seventeenth birthday party, because her dad saw her best friend walking hand-in-hand with a guy, after which they both spend an hour in Neeta\u2019s room. \u2018If this happens from sending her to a co-ed school, I will send my younger daughter to Sophia College\u201d he exploded.
\nSometimes fathers of girls can be rather overprotective, unreasonable where their daughters are concerned, probably remember the wild oats they sowed in their youth.\u2019
\nSo what do you?<\/p>\n