{"id":5737,"date":"2015-04-01T11:00:50","date_gmt":"2015-04-01T05:30:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak?p=5737"},"modified":"2018-08-01T15:22:55","modified_gmt":"2018-08-01T09:52:55","slug":"equality-of-sex-in-a-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/equality-of-sex-in-a-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Equality of Sex In a Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cAt the same time, eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature. We must unpack our ambivalence about pleasure, and challenge our pervasive discomfort with sexuality, particularly in the context of family. Complaining of sexual boredom is easy and conventional. Nurturing eroticism in the home is an act of open defiance.\u201d
\n\u2015\u00a0Esther Perel<\/a>,\u00a0Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

Sexuality is about how people experience themselves as sexual beings in thoughts, feelings and behaviour. There are many factors that impact our sexuality \u2013 biology, relationships, sexual experiences, sexual orientation, gender identity, social norms, attitudes and communication. The thoughts and feelings we have about all these aspects of sexuality can be affected by the family and culture in which we grew up as well as our own personal world-view.<\/p>\n

Culturally in India we still struggle to talk about sexual desires and needs in men and women, even of those who are married. The need to communicate is important in all types of relationships and whether we are in marriages, non-marital orsame-sex relationships, our ability to communicate our needs is often an indicator of the success of the relationship. Many people in relationships however struggle to communicate their sexual needs. We in the North (India) are a more patriarchal society and hence we prioritise hetronormative relationships and carry on with ideas like women need<\/em> to procreate or that men have a sexual appetite that needs<\/em> to be satisfied. We still refer to men as the heads of the family and often question a woman who chooses to stay single or to delay having children. Yes this is a generalisation, but it\u2019s the predominant theme that I see so often in the work I do. I do not mean to imply that individuals don\u2019t take on different roles in the relationship and family, but in fact emphasise that equality is key in a relationship. Not equality in terms of the division of labour and responsibilities but equality in terms of choices of how we want those roles and responsibilities played out. Even if this model has worked for so many years, it is problematic because if we continue to think that women have fewer choices than men, we will continue to perpetuate male dominance and inequality between the sexes.<\/p>\n

In a healthy equal relationship, both partners are able to express their feelings and respect each other’s boundaries about sex. When I say boundaries I am not just referring to a situation where one partner might not want to have sex but also to situations where it becomes important to understand what works sexually for one\u2019s partner. Deciding whether one wants to have sex or when one should is a decision one should make when it feels right for both partners. As much as we look at empowering women economically and socially it is incomplete if we don\u2019t look at how to help empower women and sensitise men to each other\u2019s emotional and sexual needs.<\/p>\n

For an equal sexual relationship in any relationship, the following could help:<\/p>\n