For me, commitment is complex in that it carries many meanings. I try to look at it from different perspectives \u2013 through movies, serials, and my own experiences. People who know me already know how much I love K-Dramas. They present commitment very simply \u2013 commitment is reciprocal. In K-dramas, once a character becomes \u201cmy person\u201d for another character, for both what follows is \u201cI show up for you. You show up for me.\u201d Even friendship is treated with this seriousness. Bromance is real. Though there will be separation, tragedy, and sacrifice throughout the K-drama, in the characters\u2019 mind, once you choose me and I choose you, everything is set! I think I yearn for this simplicity. But in real life, things tend to be far more different. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This brings me to a series I watched recently, Musafir Caf\u00e9<\/em>, an 8-episode Hindi web series based on a novel by Divya Prakash Dubey. The story follows Chander (Vikrant Massey), an engineer who runs the cosy Musafir Caf\u00e9 in Mussoorie along with the supportive Preeti (Mahima Makwana). Chander still harbours deep, confusing feelings for his ex-girlfriend Sudha (Vedika Pinto), who is portrayed as an independent lawyer apprehensive about a committed relationship, or rather, marriage. As a viewer, I felt a sense of calm when I saw Preeti, and despite Chander\u2019s non-committal behaviour towards Preeti, I yearned for them to be together. Chander is with Preeti, yet Sudha still holds emotional and erotic sway over him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It makes me wonder what commitment does to desire. Does Chander\u2019s yearning automatically mean he wants a life with Sudha? Does choosing someone erase attraction to others? Does fantasy mean intention? Well, no one knows. Can a conscious choice survive unfinished feelings? Maybe, maybe not. Even as I yearn for a K-Drama kind of simplicity, I know that I can control only what I choose. What a partner or a friend thinks or does is effectively unpredictable. Even if I influence someone, what they eventually do is up to them. Life has taught me that there are no fixed answers to these questions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Commitment to me has meant more than romance. I value being present, showing up, investing time and care, taking relationships seriously, and, most importantly, I value reciprocity. Some friends and chosen families have stood by me like a rock, and we have weathered difficult times. Others have hurt and betrayed me, and left me. This is where I ask some difficult questions: Does commitment always mean staying? What happens when showing up becomes one-sided? Can leaving someone also be a commitment to myself? <\/p>\n\n\n\n I have ended some friendships and made efforts to mend some others; sometimes I have succeeded, other times I haven\u2019t. Occasionally, I simply decided to let go after realising (perhaps too late) that they had caused me enough pain. Despite that, I still miss people; I cherish some tender moments even amid betrayal and hurt. Sometimes I find myself imagining reconciliation, even though I secretly know that rekindling the relationship would not serve anyone well. I have realised that leaving someone behind and truly stopping to feel for them are two very different things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thoughts and questions tend to survive break-ups; they linger on. What if things had been different? Where did it go wrong? What if we had been able to talk about the hurt differently? But sometimes, when I think about it, maybe I am not longing for the person back; I am just mourning the version of us that once existed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I value stability in my career, friendships, love and many other aspects of life. When it comes to my romantic life, stability finally arrived, even though there was fear at the beginning. I have had relationships before, but with my current partner there is steadiness, and that has made commitment feel real enough to be scary. But I made a conscious decision to be with her. And to be honest, I am less anxious now because there is one choice I no longer feel compelled to make every morning. That choice has been made. We are committed to being with each other. And there is reciprocity \u2013 you chose me, and I chose you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But then does commitment mean unconscious desire won\u2019t exist? Does this mean that you won\u2019t have good memories of the past of your ex-lovers or your friends who are not with you now? Commitment is not the elimination of every alternative possibility; what if<\/em> \u2026 will still exist in our minds\/hearts.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Memory is complicated, as it does not neatly divide a relationship into what was good and what eventually hurt, what I remember, whom, and what I have forgotten. There is no right or wrong here. These memories just happen. I can remember laughing with someone and miss that moment terribly, while still remembering why I walked away. And just like the unfinished possibilities of Musafir Caf\u00e9<\/em>, I think: What if\u2026?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n And just like Musafir Caf\u00e9<\/em> says, \u201cHar safar ka maqsad manzil nahi hota\u201d <\/em>(Not every journey\u2019s purpose is the destination).\u00a0 Maybe not all committed relationships become permanent. Some people walk with us only for some time, some we leave despite love, we remember some but don\u2019t want them back.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n For me, commitment is not permanence. It is not the absence of desire or fantasies about others. But it is not unconditional staying either. It is the conscious practice of choosing while simultaneously accepting that feelings will crop up, that they are not without basis. There is no right or wrong about these feelings; but it is important to acknowledge that they exist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Commitment does not resolve contradiction. It gives you a way of living with contradiction \u2013 of longing and belonging. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Cover image by Dawn Kim<\/a> on Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Commitment does not resolve contradiction<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":216,"featured_media":29748,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5547,6],"tags":[2497,5656,5660,5593,5663,5664,5600,5665,5658,5603,5659,5657,5661,5643,5662,2441],"class_list":{"0":"post-29747","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-commitment-and-sexuality","8":"category-theicolumn","9":"tag-chosen-family","10":"tag-commitment-and-desire","11":"tag-commitment-and-permanence","12":"tag-commitment-and-relationships","13":"tag-desire-and-relationships","14":"tag-emotional-commitment","15":"tag-friendship-and-commitment","16":"tag-k-dramas-and-relationships","17":"tag-longing-and-belonging","18":"tag-love-and-commitment","19":"tag-memories-and-relationships","20":"tag-moving-on","21":"tag-musafir-cafe","22":"tag-reciprocity-in-relationships","23":"tag-relationship-breakups","24":"tag-romantic-relationships"},"menu_order":0,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29747","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/216"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29747"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29747\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29749,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29747\/revisions\/29749"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/29748"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29747"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29747"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29747"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}