I often feel that I don\u2019t fit in with my generation\u2026 mostly because I don\u2019t use Instagram. In Gen Z\u2019s vernacular, the word \u2018commitment\u2019 has only romantic connotations. \u201cSingle or committed?\u201d is the question of the hour. As a person who has never been committed in this sense, I feel like an imposter while writing about this. However, it is undeniable that there is something quite romantic and exotic about being committed to a person. Devoting your undivided time, attention and affection to someone as a deliberate act \u2013 at least, that\u2019s how I view it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Weirdly, perhaps due to an obsession with commodification rewiring our brains, \u2018investment\u2019 comes to mind when thinking about commitment. A commitment is a calculated risk \u2013 we assess the situation, what\u2019s at stake, what there is to gain, and then make a decision. Sometimes it works out and you rake in the profits, and sometimes you run at a loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Something that I have noticed in my generation, in many of my peers and also feel myself, is that there is a loneliness that looms over us. However, I cannot be sure that it is generational, as loneliness is something that has plagued humanity for over centuries. There is a hesitation to commit, or invest, sometimes stemming from insecurity or scepticism. Vulnerability is key to commitment; the fear of not being on the same footing haunts one. This occurs in all kinds of relationships \u2013 platonic, familial, romantic, sexual \u2013 this fear of embarrassment, shame and abandonment. To an extent, it has also to do with ego.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In order to form any kind of meaningful bond, one has to take a risk and embrace vulnerability; otherwise, we are left with pleasantries or a desire only to have fun together masquerading in place of a deep meaningful bond. The former \u2013 a casual, and almost transactional kind of relationship \u2013 feels precarious, like it\u2019s not something you can lean on or expect to have your back. And that\u2019s what it is \u2013 a relationship without expectations; people opt for it as expectations lead to disappointment or because we feel that we are unable to try to understand and meet those expectations. But in actuality, such relationships only make us feel lonelier and adrift. Or perhaps I just have an idealistic way of looking at relationships. Another idea that bothers me quite a bit is that commitment feels like it is reserved for romantic relationships. A preoccupation with labels makes everything feel like a test we have to ace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I sometimes feel that my sexuality exists in a vacuum. If I am the only one that witnesses or interacts with it, is it even real? This also offers me an easy way out, as I don\u2019t have to deal with the different social realities that come with one\u2019s gender and\/or sexuality being outside of the accepted norm, if it is non-existent. So, I guess I am not committed to my sexuality. And perhaps, I don\u2019t feel the need to be. The way I understand it, much of gender and sexuality exist in a fluid or flow state. Oftentimes, it is a complex and confusing amalgamation of feelings, emotions and thoughts, out of which it is hard to discern what came from nature, and what from nurture. On top of that, it can also change and evolve with time, just as our perspectives and priorities change. If we\u2019re sure about who we are and what we want, we should be free to pursue and embrace that. The alternative \u2013 suppressing our identity and emotions \u2013 only brings misery and a sense of helplessness, by which we and our relationships suffer. However, committing to one\u2019s identity does not look the same for everyone. Each person goes through their own journey. For some, their safety and security might be compromised; for others, their family and loved ones might not accept a part of their identity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the other hand, if one is not sure about one\u2019s identity to begin with, it is worth letting life take its course while allowing one\u2019s self to have the space, freedom and time to try out things and figure out one\u2019s life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Our society generally perceives sex as something that solely exists for procreation, or only within marriage. At the same time, in practice, it essentially posits sex and sexuality as a key to commitment \u2013 in which having sex would automatically signal a willingness to marry and settle down. This stems from the obsession with virginity and the ideas of purity and honour which are frequently associated with it, the burden of which falls almost entirely on women. The concept of marriage as an institution in itself relies heavily on sex as it is often sociologically defined as the socially acceptable or sanctioned way to have sex. On the flip side, marriage is also regarded as a \u2018right to have sex\u2019. It is interpreted as unequivocal consent or a \u2018license to have sex\u2019 which is why the Indian judicial system is yet to recognise marital rape as a crime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Although sexuality in itself is stigmatised and policed in our society, and there is a general apprehension surrounding it, people have always continued to explore it, albeit in sometimes unsafe or exploitative environments. With growing awareness among the youth about sexuality, there is a renewed openness and understanding in discussions around this topic that encourage people to have a healthy relationship with their desires. Commitment in this context can also take different forms such as polyamory or consensual non-monogamy which defies traditional notions about commitment and love, while respecting individual autonomy and dignity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Personally, I feel that relationships in general tend to be messy, and people may not always match up to our expectations. However, that is not to say that anything goes; self-respect and dignity are equally important as empathy and understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whenever the question of queerness or commitment pops up in my head, my response is the same: I sigh to myself and think, \u201cI\u2019ll cross that bridge if\/when I come to it\u201d. The scepticism surrounding commitment may be rooted in insecurities on a personal level as well as in societal constraints. If we take the example of queer people, many of them may limit themselves to casual sexual relationships because they are not in a position to even imagine what a committed relationship might look like for them. Marriage is regarded as the ultimate form of commitment in our society, and it is not a right that is extended to same-sex couples. So, what is the point? The romantic, or perhaps grandiose notion of a revolutionary love that defies the world, comes to mind. But the point is also about dignity. At the end of the day, all of us are only trying to feel a little less lonely, and we may have a million reasons as to why we may choose to commit or not to commit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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