{"id":24462,"date":"2023-03-17T10:56:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-17T05:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/?p=24462"},"modified":"2023-03-17T11:08:40","modified_gmt":"2023-03-17T05:38:40","slug":"labour-of-love-sexual-pleasure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/labour-of-love-sexual-pleasure\/","title":{"rendered":"Labour of Love"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

We had been flirting before we knew it. He was smart. Charming, really. He has a way with words. Even today, a text from him is enough to make me smile. We met for coffee, often. He always had stories, I was always keen to listen. His hair, more salt than pepper, and his shoulders, like that of a mountain. I felt safe around him, almost guarded. When we were walking the streets of Delhi late at night, the absence of streetlights made me hold his hand tighter than I would\u2019ve, otherwise. Smilingly, he said, \u201cI will take care of you, don\u2019t worry,\u201d and I stopped worrying. The banter was highly sexual, although he maintained nothing would ever happen between us. He said he was much older, and that he liked me, was attracted to me \u2013 that any man would be lucky to have me. Just not him. I was upset, blaming life for always finding a way to keep me away from what I wanted, who<\/em> I wanted. Knowing nothing could ever happen gave him an aura of the forbidden fruit. I wanted him. Needed him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The flirting escalated, until one day he seemed keen to forget what he had said earlier. We were now exchanging pictures and raunchy texts. I felt so sexy. So powerful. \u2018I get whom I want\u2019 is a very powerful sentiment. We met again. This time, we walked back to his house. Before I knew it, we decorated his floor with our clothes.. Urgency is a primal urge. It is enchanting, consuming, even. He knew what he was doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He knew what he was doing because he was mindful of his needs, and only his. He knew what he wanted; he got what he wanted. I left his house smelling of regret and unfulfillment. How could he be so selfish, Ria?<\/em> I was so stupid to put him on a pedestal. We think older men would be more mindful, but we forget they\u2019re still men. I am tired, honestly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During one of our weekly sessions, my client, let\u2019s call her Aarzu, revealed to me her latest sexual encounter. We had been talking about Mountain-man for weeks. He dominated Aarzu\u2019s thoughts and fantasies \u2013 she hoped he would dominate her next. Aarzu\u2019s complaints were genuine, and yet I couldn\u2019t say it was the first time I had been hearing them. As a woman and sex therapist, it was one of the most frequently brought-up topics of discussion in my chambers. The women were angry, disappointed, and highly upset. Heterosexual women, mostly, complained that their partners, casual or committed, were concerned more about their own pleasure than of their counterparts. \u201cHe nuts and bolts\u201d, says Z, a 21-year-old woman, when talking of her friend-with-benefits. I have often asked her what \u2018benefit\u2019 she receives from him because she has been dissatisfied with their interactions since the inception of their sexual salsa. \u201cI like talking to him. He makes me feel understood until it is time to understand how my body operates.\u201d Being understood is rare, which is why we leave it at that. \u2018At least you\u2019re getting something\u2019 is a thought that occurs for a tiny second, and it is at this very moment that it is time to dissect this thought \u2013 its origins, normalisation, and implications.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pleasure, in the world, is not equally distributed. Current literature<\/a> on the matter indicates that over time this inequality of pleasure \u2013 even difficulty, pain, and anxiety \u2013 affects women more than it does men. And this is when socialisation and gender norms have ensured that the expectations are already upsettingly low! Most men I meet, when asked what \u2018good sex\u2019 means to them, say something along the lines of \u2018sex where I orgasm\u2019, while women have said, more times than I could count, that \u2018good sex is the kind without pain\u2019. Pain (emotional and physical) is deeply intertwined with sexual experience if the lens of experience is female. From being sexualised at prepubescent ages to hearing \u201cIt\u2019ll hurt at first, and then it\u2019ll feel good\u201d, we have all grown up. So, what do we need? We need a sexual revolution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The learnings we obtain from \u2018bad sex\u2019 are different based on gender too. Men learn they will get away without caring about a woman\u2019s pleasure, while women learn their pleasure is secondary. If women begin to think of their own pleasure as secondary, what difference does it make whether they\u2019re active parts of the sexual encounter or are reduced by their partner to tools of masturbation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doesn\u2019t all sex, then, become performative? Does bad sex have to be assault, for it to be upsetting and shame-inducing? No. Bad sex can be selfish sex, absent-of-affection sex, and absent-of-tenderness sex. Bad sex is a political issue, even if it is due to the lack of information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amartya Sen<\/a> spoke about how women become \u2018habituated to inequality\u2019; this habituation pervades our sex lives as well. The nature of the inequality differs between young women today and their mothers and grandmothers. Where older clients talk about how they didn\u2019t know they had a right to seek pleasure, younger ones don\u2019t know how to voice their desire without being called too hungry, too needy, or too much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women, historically, have been deemed gatekeepers of sex. A \u2018good and decent\u2019 woman does not yield easily. She makes you chase her: \u2018papad belne padte hain, tab jaake haseena maan jaati hai<\/em>\u2019 (if you want the pretty girl, you must struggle and strive to convince her). If you don\u2019t work for her, you won\u2019t have her. If women are to be chased, men are to become chasers. They must \u2018obtain\u2019 sex, they must wear her down, and if necessary, tear her down. Not only does this restrict women from being equal agents in the pursuit of desire and sexual fulfilment, but it also puts the onus of taking responsibility for violence on them. There is no winning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Working with women over the years has only made me realize that choosing to have good, nurturing sex is a deeply private rebellion. The nature of these rebellions differs. For M, living in one of Delhi\u2019s poverty-stricken neighbourhoods, it is negotiating with her husband to use protection. H in south Bombay is trying to assert their need to have an equally enjoyable time. J in California is trying to find someone who treats her as a woman, not an \u2018ethnic conquest\u2019, or a \u2018Nutella-skinned goddess\u2019. S, just outside of Sikkim, is conversing with her dating app matches to ensure they\u2019re not in it just to hook up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People often forget that casual sex is inherently devoid of commitment, yes, but only commitment, not warmth, or consideration. Aarzu had casual sex with Mountain-man, but she didn\u2019t abandon her pleasure. She wouldn\u2019t be upset if he didn\u2019t know what to do, if he \u2018treated my clit like a DJ booth\u2019 or \u2018didn\u2019t know how to use his hands\u2019; she was upset because he didn\u2019t even try. She was upset because he knew that he would get away with it. She was upset because she let him get away with it. Undoing years of conditioning is a herculean task, and I applaud everybody who undertakes it. If good sex does exist, where is it hiding? Why do our systems and institutions keep us starved of necessary sexuality education? Why are our intimate relations where our autonomy is most heavily policed and stomped on? Why are we a population of hungry, unfulfilled, angry women? Why does wanting pleasure invite puritanism? Subconscious barriers, reinforced by socially-fulfilling cycles, will be the end of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are only as needy as our unmet needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What we need is an indulgently deliberate interaction. One where pleasure fuels pleasure. We need narratives of respect, agency, and Eros. What we need is a revolution that allows us to engage in acts that please us. We need rest, consideration, kindness, compassion, and care. We need to be held, to hold. To touch, as to be touched. To see, and to be seen. We need all of us, no one left behind. More than discourse, we need action. Education fuels action. Information accelerates action. We need to empower ourselves to own our pleasure. It must be all of us, it has to be all of us. spaces where conversations about pleasure and self-affirming sexuality occur exist. If we work on building and expanding them together, perhaps there is still hope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aarzu has decided to tell Mountain-man about her feelings. She informs him, and he is not offended. To our surprise, he says he is sorry. That he wants to make up for it. That if she would let him, he would want to walk with her again and hold her hand in the dim-lit Deer Park of Hauz Khas. He says he wants anyone who kisses her to taste his name on her lips. He promises he will spend hours getting to know her body before he reintroduces his. She looks at me and says she is tempted to believe him. I nod. She smiles, and the banter resumes. He did always have a way with words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She leaves my chambers for coffee with Mountain-man, and I begin preparing for my next client. One by one, I whisper to myself. One by one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cover Image: Photo by Elena Mozhvilo<\/a> on Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Pleasure, in the world, is not equally distributed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":449,"featured_media":24463,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,3977,8],"tags":[1518,565,66,4037,616,71,2390,4038,48,99,1215,3282,68,4040,4039,25,1551],"class_list":{"0":"post-24462","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-categories","8":"category-narratives-and-sexuality","9":"category-voices","10":"tag-agency","11":"tag-dating","12":"tag-desire","13":"tag-eros","14":"tag-intimacy","15":"tag-love","16":"tag-narratives","17":"tag-needs","18":"tag-pleasure","19":"tag-relationships","20":"tag-respect","21":"tag-self-affirming","22":"tag-sex","23":"tag-sexual","24":"tag-sexual-fulfilment","25":"tag-sexualities","26":"tag-touch"},"menu_order":0,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/449"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24462"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24502,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24462\/revisions\/24502"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/24463"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}