{"id":22156,"date":"2021-10-18T09:30:18","date_gmt":"2021-10-18T04:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/?p=22156"},"modified":"2021-10-18T16:29:47","modified_gmt":"2021-10-18T10:59:47","slug":"50-ways-people-expect-constant-emotional-labor-from-women-and-femmes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/50-ways-people-expect-constant-emotional-labor-from-women-and-femmes\/","title":{"rendered":"50 Ways People Expect Constant Emotional Labor from Women and Femmes"},"content":{"rendered":"
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This article was originally printed here<\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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August 15, 2016<\/span> \/ <\/span>Suzannah Weiss<\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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<\/b>The work of women and femmes is traditionally undervalued \u2013 we get paid less<\/span><\/a> in nearly all professions. But there\u2019s another type of work we\u2019re often expected to do for no pay at all: emotional labor<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

Emotional labor is the exertion of energy for the purpose of addressing people\u2019s feelings, making people comfortable, or living up to social expectations. It\u2019s called \u201cemotional labor\u201d because it ends up using \u2013 and often draining \u2013 our emotional resources. <\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Now, don\u2019t get me wrong: Asking friends for advice, reaching out to people in your line of work, and other actions I\u2019m about to mention can be part of a healthy relationship. The issue arises when it\u2019s not reciprocal. <\/span><\/p>\n

Many marginalized people can tell you that people frequently make demands of them that cross the line from participation in a mutual relationship to work \u2013 and unpaid work, at that. Because we\u2019re assumed to be naturally emotionally intelligent and nurturing, people don\u2019t always understand that this is <\/i>work for us. And because we\u2019re expected to put others before ourselves, a lot of people don\u2019t even care.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here are just a few of the many ways that women and femmes, in particular, are expected to perform emotional labor without compensation or acknowledgement throughout their lives:<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

1. We are asked to watch, entertain, or help take care of younger siblings, cousins, and other children more than men because people automatically assume we must love kids and be naturally nurturing. <\/span><\/p>\n

2. Friends offload their problems \u2013 sometimes serious problems that we\u2019re not equipped to handle \u2013 onto us before we have agreed to talk about them, often expecting an immediate response. <\/span><\/p>\n

3. Casual acquaintances and sometimes complete strangers do the same, often over the Internet and often sharingtriggering details<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

4. Street harassers<\/span><\/a> and other people who make us uncomfortable guilt us if we don\u2019t respond to them. If we don\u2019t say no, we\u2019re supposedly asking for it. And if we do<\/i> respond, we\u2019re not \u201cpolite enough.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

5. People who believe we can provide them with professional gain ask to \u201cpick our brains\u201d with no pay or reciprocation in the name of \u201cnetworking.\u201d<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

6. When we have relatives or friends with physical or mental illnesses, they and their loved ones are more likely to reach out to us than men to take care of them. <\/span><\/p>\n

7. If we are in professions that involve interactions with people, those we serve expect us to act as their therapists. <\/span><\/p>\n

8. We are judged more harshly for lacking social skills and criticized for not being sentimental or warm, so we go to great lengths to present ourselves in a desirable manner in social interactions. <\/span><\/p>\n

9. We are more often criticized for swearing, talking about sex, and doing other \u201cvulgar\u201d things men get away with, so we go to great lengths to censor ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

10. If we don\u2019t take immediately to parenthood, want to put our kids above all else, want to be the primary caretaker, or <\/b>want kids in the first place<\/b><\/span><\/a>, we are made to feel like something\u2019s wrong with us. <\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

11. We have to justify the decisions we make about our bodies, including whether or not we wear makeup<\/span><\/a>, shave our body hair, get surgery, eat salad, eat ice cream, and eat pretty much anything. <\/span><\/p>\n

12. We have to justify decisions that are perceived as threats to our safety, such as drinking, walking alone at night, or being alone with men. <\/span><\/p>\n

13. Others expect us to justify all of our sexual decisions, whether they\u2019re deemed \u201cslutty\u201d or \u201cprudish.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

14. We\u2019re expected to take part in \u201cheart to hearts,\u201d \u201cgirls\u2019 nights,\u201d and other emotionally intensive occasions that we may or may not have the energy for or interest in. <\/span><\/p>\n

15. We feel pressure to feign interest in \u201cfeminine\u201d topics like beauty and fashion even if we have no interest in them whatsoever. (Masculine-presenting people experience this, too, just for other interests like sports and cars.)<\/span><\/p>\n

16. Our coworkers expect us to mediate conflicts, brainstorm ways to improve company culture, and perform other roles typically assigned to human resources.<\/span><\/p>\n

17. When <\/b>men explain things to us<\/b><\/span><\/a> that we know as much or more about, they expect us to listen as if they are educating us in order to stroke their egos. <\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

18. If we are dating men, people advise us to play the exhausting game of \u201chard to get<\/span><\/a>\u201d in order to give them the \u201cthrill of the chase.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

19. If we are in a male-dominated profession or academic field, we feel pressure to always be perfect, lest our colleagues take our imperfections as evidence that all people like us are flawed in the same way. <\/span><\/p>\n

20. We are judged more harshly in the workplace<\/span><\/a> and in social interactions if we don\u2019t spend time polishing our appearances. <\/span><\/p>\n

21. We feel pressure to avoid looking or acting too \u201cfeminine\u201d out of fear that people will judge us negatively, not take us seriously, or make assumptions about us. <\/span><\/p>\n

22. We feel pressure to avoid looking or acting too \u201cmasculine\u201d out of fear that people will ridicule us, deem us undesirable, or distrust our gender identity. <\/span><\/p>\n

23. We are judged more harshly if we don\u2019t keep our living spaces neat, succeed at cooking and other forms of homemaking, and do a great job entertaining guests. <\/span><\/p>\n

24. When we\u2019re hosting people from out of town, we\u2019re expected to not just give them a couch to crash on, but also keep the fridge and pantry stocked to their liking, show them around like tour guides, provide them with comfortable living spaces, and constantly be available to them. <\/span><\/p>\n

25. We\u2019re expected to constantly ask questions and make observations to keep conversations going, while men often get away with waiting for others to ask questions and giving one-word answers. <\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

26. Our significant others expect us to initiate important conversations like defining the terms of the relationship, taking stock of how the relationship is going, and addressing conflicts.<\/span><\/p>\n

27. When we decide not to enter into a relationship, we risk being guilted for failing to reward a \u201cnice guy\u201d<\/span><\/a> who \u201cdeserves\u201d our affections. <\/span><\/p>\n

28. When we end a relationship, we\u2019re often demonized and blamed for not doing enough to maintain it, even if we devoted extensive time and energy to discussing problems and trying to make the relationship work.<\/span><\/p>\n

29. We\u2019re expected to provide our children and other people under our care with the majority of the emotional support and caretaking that they need. <\/span><\/p>\n

30. We\u2019re expected to keep the peace with our cohabitants under all conditions, facilitate bonding between us and our roommates, put up with disruptive behavior, and, if we have male roommates, do the majority of the housework. <\/span><\/p>\n

31. When we\u2019re survivors of sexual misconduct, people sympathize with the perpetrator to the extent that we feel bad about \u201churting their reputation\u201d due to a \u201cmisunderstanding\u201d or \u201cruining their lives\u201d for reporting a crime. <\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

32. We\u2019re expected to grit our teeth and put up with disrespectful and objectifying behavior from men because \u201cboys will be boys<\/span><\/a>.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

33. In the workplace, we have to worry about presenting our ideas in a non-threatening manner so that we won\u2019t be labeled \u201caggressive.\u201d<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

34. But we also have to worry about being assertive, not apologizing too much, and avoiding other behaviors<\/span><\/a> that will get us labeled as \u201cfeminine\u201d and consequently ineffective leaders. <\/span><\/p>\n

35. Those of us with uteruses are expected to make regular doctors\u2019 appointments, do research on birth control methods, and potentially undergo physical pain or remember a pill every day in order to ensure that an unwanted pregnancy doesn\u2019t occur.<\/span><\/p>\n

36. In the case of an unwanted pregnancy, we risk being shamed for the decision we make about it. <\/span><\/p>\n

37. If we have children, we\u2019re shamed for everything from how we give birth to how we feed them.<\/span><\/p>\n

38. We\u2019re made to worry about what we wear because there\u2019s a chance someone will label it \u201cslutty,\u201d \u201cprudish,\u201d \u201cboyish,\u201d \u201cfrumpy,\u201d or some other derogatory term used about women\u2019s clothing. <\/span><\/p>\n

39. When we go out, we\u2019re encouraged to be hyper-vigilant by keeping our eyes on our drinks, keeping track of our friends, and taking out our keys before we get home in case we\u2019re attacked. <\/span><\/p>\n

40. During sex, we feel pressure to make artificial faces and noises and fake orgasms in order to turn our partners on and make them feel good about their sexual prowess.<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

41. When we speak out about sexism, we have to deal with backlash and criticism for being \u201cbitchy,\u201d \u201ctoo sensitive<\/span><\/a>,\u201d or \u201cthe PC police.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

42. If we get angry, we risk being labeled an \u201cangry feminist.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

43. If we show any emotion, we risk being used as evidence that women are emotional. <\/span><\/p>\n

44. If we cry, we risk someone assuming it\u2019s because we\u2019re on our periods. <\/span><\/p>\n

45. If we actually are experiencing physical or emotional health issues related to our uteruses, we risk being used as evidence that women are irrational. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

46. If we ask for what we want in relationships, we risk our partners labeling us as needy.<\/span><\/p>\n

47. Men we date often expect our full attention while they keep their options open and only devote as much time to us as they want to.<\/span><\/p>\n

48. People frequently tell us to smile and otherwise adjust our appearance and behavior to make ourselves more pleasing to other people.<\/span><\/p>\n

49. Men hold us responsible for explaining these problems and other manifestations of sexism and doubt us if they don\u2019t personally observe or experience them.<\/p>\n

50. When men try to advocate for us, even if they fail miserably and even if they hurt us in the process by promoting benevolent sexism<\/span><\/a>, we\u2019re expected to pat them on the back for their efforts and be grateful our problems are getting any attention at all.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

These are just fifty of the countless ways we\u2019re expected to exert emotional energy on a regular basis. And when that much is demanded of you, it\u2019s impossible for it not to compromise other areas of your life.<\/span><\/p>\n

For this reason, the emotional labor demanded of us exacerbates other problems women and femmes already face in the workplace, politics, and other realms. We can\u2019t fight for gender equality when we have no energy to devote to it. <\/span><\/p>\n

So, if you\u2019re someone who people don\u2019t typically demand a ton of emotional labor from, take it upon yourself to lighten the load of marginalized people. If you\u2019re a man who has kids with a woman, for example, offer to take on at least half the childcare responsibilities. If you\u2019re a white man looking to gain a better understanding of intersectional feminism, Google it before asking your woman friends of color.<\/span><\/p>\n

The ways we\u2019re expected to perform emotional labor are not always obvious but can have a huge impact on our lives, and any work others can take on for us improves not only our own mental health but also feminism as a movement.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This article was originally printed here. August 15, 2016 \/ Suzannah Weiss The work of women and femmes is traditionally…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25,"featured_media":22158,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,1,3009],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-22156","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-blog-roll","8":"category-categories","9":"category-labour-and-sexuality"},"menu_order":70,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22156","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/25"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22156"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22156\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22172,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22156\/revisions\/22172"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22158"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22156"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22156"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22156"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}