{"id":20841,"date":"2021-02-15T09:53:11","date_gmt":"2021-02-15T04:23:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/?p=20841"},"modified":"2021-02-15T15:40:56","modified_gmt":"2021-02-15T10:10:56","slug":"why-singlehood-is-meaningful-three-voices","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/why-singlehood-is-meaningful-three-voices\/","title":{"rendered":"Why singlehood is meaningful: Three voices"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
This article was originally published in Network of Women in Media, India<\/a> and has been republished with permission.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

On a dry, warm evening in November, the whys and hows of opting for singlehood drew a large number of curious women, some interested men and a few who identify as non-binary, to Champaca, the charming new book nook and caf\u00e9 tucked away in an unusually quiet corner of Bangalore\u2019s Central Business District.<\/p>\n

The thread connecting the three speakers across generations was their adoption of singlehood as part of a determined resistance to giving up independence and individuality. The anthology, titled Single by Choice: Happily Unmarried Women, published by Women Unlimited, explores the reasons \u2013 similar and dissimilar \u2013 that drove the choices of the 12 contributors.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\"KalpanaKalpana Sharma<\/strong>, veteran journalist, columnist, author of two books and editor of four, initiated and edited the anthology. She kickstarted the evening with an overview of her experience of contacting and collating personal stories from single (as in never-married) Indian women, trying to include different generations, professional domains, classes and locations. She admitted that the search for \u201cgood writers,\u201d among other factors, limited the diversity of contributors: in the end, half the chapters were written by journalists. \u201cJournalists usually write about others, rarely about themselves \u2013 so I did face some resistance even from them,\u201d she explained.<\/p>\n

Putting the book together was an interesting adventure, said Kalpana. \u201cThe whole experience of contacting single women and collecting their stories was more difficult than expected,\u201d she said. \u201cI had invited 25 women to write but, in the end, got only a happy dozen to actually submit essays. It was a tough call for potential contributors. Each writer had to tread carefully since writing honestly about their choices could implicate family, friends and many others along the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kalpana highlighted some of the shared qualities that characterise the single women who ultimately contributed to the book. Firstly, all of them have liberal and supportive families who enabled them to decide \u201cwhether to marry, when to marry and whom to marry,\u201d and gave them \u201cthe space to decide what they want to do with their lives.\u201d Secondly, relative financial stability gives these women an edge. Thirdly, they have managed to build up and nurture a community of supportive friends who, in many ways, constitute a second family. \u201cIn my own case,\u201d she said, I have always found that it was my friends who would come around to help and be around when I had a problem, even a health problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

The list of contributors from areas of work other than media includes well-known designer, crafts activist and founder member of Dastkar Laila Tyabji, who Kalpana describes as one of \u2018midnight\u2019s children,\u2019 like herself. Among others from diverse fields who have shared their experiences and thoughts in the book are sociologist Sujata Patel, scientist Vineeta Bal and Dalit writer Bama, based in rural Tamil Nadu. Kalpana highlighted parts of their life stories, revealing the different paths that led them to singlehood.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\"ShardaSharda Ugra<\/strong>, pioneering sports writer who has worked in print and online media, has also been the behind the scenes writer of two cricketers\u2019 memoirs. According to her, having worked with Kalpana in The Hindu in Mumbai it was taken for granted that she would contribute to the book. Her essay, reproduced in Scroll.in some months ago, served to generate quite a lot of interest in the anthology.<\/p>\n

She confessed that she did initially hesitate to write about something so personal. However, she said, \u201cOnce I went deeper into it, I found it quite a blast, as it made me go back to my experiences and find out what really motivated me, even though you never think of your work as doing something for womankind.\u201d<\/p>\n

Having been deep into sports journalism, at first as the lone female sports journalist and later with a growing sorority, she found that sports \u201cjust jumped into my essay a number of times. I realised that I was odd in two ways: I was a female writing on sports and I was single.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sharda recounted a number of amusing anecdotes, including hilarious questions about her reasons for not getting married: \u201cCouldn\u2019t you find anyone?\u201d According to her, the first assumption was always that she had joined sports journalism only to \u201cland some really cool, sexy guy\u201d as a husband!<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to tell you that the answer to that is simply no,\u201d she hastens to clarify. \u201cYou might like the skills and qualities and bodies of certain men, but that does not mean you necessarily want to marry them.\u201d Interestingly, she has found it easier to be single in India rather than abroad, where it appears that many women are afraid of \u201cdying alone\u201d with a cat!<\/p>\n

Sharda said there were still stereotypes about female sport journalists, as revealed in a recent article revealing the opinions of a Pro Kabaddi team owner. \u201cWithout taking names under threat of inviting a defamation suit on myself,\u201d she joked, \u201cI remember one person once saying that women like to watch kabaddi because they like to see men in shorts! It made me think about the 60 female sports journalists in India today. Is this the reason we cover sports \u2013 to see men in shorts?!\u201d<\/p>\n

Describing herself as the \u201cbridge\u201d between Kalpana\u2019s and Sharanya\u2019s generations, Sharda pointed out that getting married has always been assumed to be part of everyone\u2019s life cycle. However, she does not regret her decision or situation. \u201cPeople always say to the younger generation that they have the most fun,\u201d she said. \u201cBut that\u2019s not true, we have the most fun!\u201d<\/p>\n

She also mused that in an atmosphere where single women are considered \u2018daayans\u2019 or monsters or vamps, finding role models was very important: someone who proved it was possible to \u201cnot get married and not lose your mind completely.\u201d \u201cNeeding to look up to someone as an anchor, I found her in Kalpana when I joined The Hindu,\u201d she said. \u201cI thought it was completely fantastic that Kalpana was not just a single woman, but \u201ca happy single woman, a professionally successful single woman. She became a hero for me. So when Kalpana asked me to contribute to her anthology, how could I possibly say no?\u201d<\/p>\n

Before she wound up her talk she commented that she was happy to see that there were some men at the event. \u201cWe love you all,\u201d she declared. \u201cThis is not a book about hating men. I am surrounded by men at work. I find them interesting, cute and sexy. I just don\u2019t want to marry them.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\"SharanyaSharanya Gopinathan<\/strong>, a 27-year-old journalist who is also working on two books, said she had two options when she was asked to contribute to the book. \u201cEither I could write a super-political, super-woke essay, or I could write a brutally honest and embarrassingly honest one. I decided to opt for the latter.\u201d<\/p>\n

What struck her was: why did it take her so long to make up her mind? Marriage, after all, is the unnatural state that you need to force yourself into entering, while being \u2018single\u2019 is actually the state that should seem natural, she pointed out<\/p>\n

She visualises her life 60 to 70 years from now as possibly being \u2018coupled\u2019 with someone of her own choice, not forced upon her. \u201cIt took me some years after early adulthood to move away from the realisation that I need not visualise my life with any set kind of end goal in mind,\u201d she said. So she decided \u201cat the ripe, old age of 26\u201d that she could choose to remain single. According to her, the \u2018revelation\u2019 was as reasonable as the choice to get married is generally believed to be.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is a lot of unlearning that you need to do,\u201d she explained. \u201cEven things like drawing up a best-worst case scenario with a friend, in which we decide that if we are single and feel the need for couplehood at the age of 50, we could marry each other. These are ideas that you base your life upon. So I needed to give myself the tips, tricks and tools that you need to equip yourself with in order to lead a happy life. What do I need to do in order to remain single and happy?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\"\"<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n
\n

All the speakers then read excerpts from the book: Kalpana from Bama\u2019s essay and Sharda and Sharanya from their own.<\/p>\n

The question-answer session that followed revealed that the feelings reflected in the anthology were mirrored as well as refracted by the audience. Interestingly, although Kalpana clarified that the anthology is not intended to be anti-marriage or anti-men, some of the comments from supporters of singlehood in the audience, including married folks, appeared to reflect such sentiments.<\/p>\n

One woman said that, having gone through a very difficult marriage with a dictatorial man and his family, she wished she had known such choices existed so that she could have avoided marriage altogether. Another woman talked about life with an abusive and alcoholic husband who tried to dictate her life until she decided to opt for divorce and live life on her own terms. A few members of the LGBTQI community, too, spoke about singlehood and how it has been a battle to reach and hold on to it.<\/p>\n

According to Sharda, it is not clear why people who are caught in bad marriages seem to find it necessary to try and \u201cinspire\u201d other men and women to opt for it!<\/p>\n

In answer to a predictable question about children, Kalpana said that she has always loved them and even considered adopting a child at one point but finally decided that she doesn\u2019t need any of her own, especially since she is a much loved aunt and also something of a magnet for the children of neighbours. Sharda was clear that motherhood doesn\u2019t appeal to her at all.<\/p>\n

Another query was about the challenges faced by parents of determined singletons. How do they cope with social pressures and help their children to determine their own lives? \u201cWe should just let them have options,\u201d said one mother from the \u201csupportive families\u201d mould, firmly. \u201cIt\u2019s important to just give a\u00a0dhakka<\/em>\u00a0to marriage,\u201d said another proud mother, whose two daughters have chosen to remain single. In earlier generations, single women almost ran their families, and even nowadays many older parents prefer to live with daughters who are single rather than sons with families.<\/p>\n

By the end of the evening, the room was suffused with the celebration of singlehood, rather than any explanation or apology for it. It appeared that the solitary life was envied and extolled by those who have opted out of it as well as many who haven\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Revathi Siva Kumar<\/strong>
\nNovember 2019<\/strong><\/p>\n

Photographs: by Dhanya Rajendran (top) and Bhumika K (bottom)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By the end of the evening, the room was suffused with the celebration of singlehood, rather than any explanation or apology for it. It appeared that the solitary life was envied and extolled by those who have opted out of it as well as many who haven\u2019t.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25,"featured_media":20844,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,1,2596],"tags":[229,1518,1795,2413,503,97,2599,66,2028,402,2582,2601,1001,71,296,2659,303,1283,2600,135,48,40,99,1178,1847,1486,2660,2661,1866,2597,2310,1675,2598,1935],"class_list":{"0":"post-20841","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-blog-roll","8":"category-categories","9":"category-singlehood-and-sexuality","10":"tag-activism","11":"tag-agency","12":"tag-authenticity","13":"tag-bodily-integrity","14":"tag-body-image","15":"tag-consent","16":"tag-crush","17":"tag-desire","18":"tag-fantasies","19":"tag-friendship","20":"tag-fulfillment","21":"tag-happily-unmarried","22":"tag-lgbtqia","23":"tag-love","24":"tag-marriage","25":"tag-meaningul-singlehood","26":"tag-mental-health","27":"tag-monogamy","28":"tag-non-conformity","29":"tag-patriarchy","30":"tag-pleasure","31":"tag-queer","32":"tag-relationships","33":"tag-religion","34":"tag-self-love","35":"tag-self-care","36":"tag-single-by-choice","37":"tag-single-by-choice-happily-unmarried-women","38":"tag-singlehood","39":"tag-singlehood-and-sexuality","40":"tag-sisa-spaces","41":"tag-spirituality","42":"tag-valentines-day","43":"tag-vulnerability"},"menu_order":201,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20841","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/25"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20841"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20841\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20873,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20841\/revisions\/20873"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/20844"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20841"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20841"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20841"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}