{"id":19368,"date":"2020-05-15T09:30:18","date_gmt":"2020-05-15T04:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak?p=19368"},"modified":"2020-05-14T12:19:11","modified_gmt":"2020-05-14T06:49:11","slug":"how-grindr-the-dating-app-is-destroying-my-mental-health","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/how-grindr-the-dating-app-is-destroying-my-mental-health\/","title":{"rendered":"How Grindr, The Dating App Is Destroying My Mental Health"},"content":{"rendered":"
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By\u00a0<\/span>Kanav Narayan Sahgal<\/a><\/h1>\n
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Posted by Kanav Sahgal<\/strong><\/div>\n

Growing up, I always knew I was homosexual. My childhood was wrought with memories of bullying, self-doubt and insecurities, most of which were due to other people\u2019s comments about my effeminate voice, body language, dressing sense and taste in music. I felt alone because I couldn\u2019t find anyone who was like me and would accept me as I was. I felt even more afraid of sharing \u201cmy secret\u201d with my family, for the fear of being rejected and subjected to physical and emotional violence.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to understand that social attitudes towards homosexuality are still negative in India. Homosexuality was only decriminalized in India a little over a year ago, not by popular vote, but by a\u00a0Supreme Court<\/em>\u00a0decision. I speculate that it will take many years of struggle, activism and campaigning to drive out the homophobia that is ingrained in the hearts and minds of many Indians today, especially those who control their children\u2019s lives to protect \u201cfamily honour\u201d and \u201ccommunity respect\u201d (whatever they mean, anyway).<\/p>\n

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Image Source:\u00a0Quartz<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n

It has been almost two years since I came out to almost all my family and friends, and the experience of doing so was extraordinarily liberating. Coming out was a difficult decision to make, but I am grateful every single day for now being able to live my life in the most authentic way ever. Those of you who wish to read my coming out story can do so\u00a0here<\/a><\/strong>. What I want to talk about in this essay though, are my dating experiences and the hurdles that many gay and bisexual men, such as myself, face doing so.<\/p>\n

Grindr And The Laborious Dating Culture<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Dating is laborious, especially on apps like\u00a0Grindr<\/em>. My love-hate relationship with\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0stems from the fact that it is currently one of the most popular apps for meeting other gay and bisexual men in one\u2019s area. Although other apps like\u00a0Facebook<\/em>,\u00a0Instagram<\/em>,\u00a0Tinder<\/em>\u00a0and\u00a0Blued<\/em>\u00a0are also quite popular, none of them possess as many active users as\u00a0Grindr<\/em>.\u00a0The flip-side to using dating apps like\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0is the mental exhaustion of constantly having to look \u201cperfect\u201d, the pressure of conforming to unrealistic body standards and the unhealthy expectation of requiring to be available for sex in order to meet another person for a first-time date.<\/p>\n

THE FLIP-SIDE TO USING DATING APPS LIKE\u00a0GRINDR<\/em>\u00a0IS THE MENTAL EXHAUSTION OF CONSTANTLY HAVING TO LOOK \u201cPERFECT\u201d, THE PRESSURE OF CONFORMING TO UNREALISTIC BODY STANDARDS AND THE UNHEALTHY EXPECTATION OF REQUIRING TO BE AVAILABLE FOR SEX IN ORDER TO MEET ANOTHER PERSON FOR A FIRST-TIME DATE.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It was in my early twenties that I discovered\u00a0Grindr<\/em>, and at that age, my joy knew no bounds. I was young, naive and eager to explore my sexual fantasies. I eventually lost my virginity to a man I met on\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0and since then, I\u2019ve had multiple enjoyable sexual encounters with men I\u2019ve met on the app. From threesomes to orgies, from intimate one-to-one sexual encounters, to quick ten-minute hookups, I\u2019ve experienced it all.<\/p>\n

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Image Source:\u00a0BBC<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n

What Changed?<\/strong><\/h4>\n

But, as I hit my late twenties, something changed. I realized that although my body demanded sex, my soul desired compassion. My body demanded lust, but my heart yearned for love. At times, what my heart and mind demanded would be at odds and I would desperately access\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0to find men who\u2019d fulfill these seemingly contradictory desires.<\/p>\n

Also read:\u00a0Of Tinder, Sex And Colonial Hangovers \u2013 Is Desire Political?<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

I still remember the multiple occasions I\u2019d force myself to go on sex dates just to meet people and feel less lonely. I used my body as a ticket to enter other people\u2019s bedrooms, and although the sex was great, it wasn\u2019t enough. I would often leave hotel rooms and apartment buildings feeling lonely, gloomy and miserable even after a night of good sex. I spent a year trying to meet guys \u201conly for coffee\u201d but realized nobody was willing to meet me. I spent another couple of months trying to engage with men on\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0by chatting about topics like life, career, and politics (to name a few).\u00a0But unfortunately, almost all those people vanished; they either blocked me or simply stopped replying to my messages.<\/p>\n

I STILL REMEMBER THE MULTIPLE OCCASIONS I\u2019D FORCE MYSELF TO GO ON SEX DATES JUST TO MEET PEOPLE AND FEEL LESS LONELY. I USED MY BODY AS A TICKET TO ENTER OTHER PEOPLE\u2019S BEDROOMS, AND ALTHOUGH THE SEX WAS GREAT, IT WASN\u2019T ENOUGH. I WOULD OFTEN LEAVE HOTEL ROOMS AND APARTMENT BUILDINGS FEELING LONELY, GLOOMY AND MISERABLE EVEN AFTER A NIGHT OF GOOD SEX.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I have uninstalled and installed\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0countless times. I have tried other dating apps, but I keep coming back to\u00a0Grindr<\/em>. I experience an adrenaline rush every time someone messages me, and I fight a daily battle to control my libido every time I see someone attractive on the app. As mentioned before, I am in a state of perpetual conflict, where my body demands intense sex, but my mind demands tenderness and compassion. How to makes sense of this dichotomy, I still don\u2019t know!<\/p>\n

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Image Source:\u00a0The Varsity<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n

Mental Health And Grindr: Match Made?<\/strong><\/h4>\n

I want to iterate that the correlation between\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0usage and mental health among gay and bisexual men has been researched. This\u00a02018 Vox article<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0talks about a survey of 200,000\u00a0iPhone<\/em>\u00a0users that showed that, 77% of\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0users were unhappy with the app. According to John Pachankis, LGBTQ mental health expert at the\u00a0Yale School of Public Health<\/em>,\u00a0\u201cApps like Grindr are often both a cause and a consequence of gay and bisexual men\u2019s disproportionally poorer mental health. It\u2019s a truly vicious cycle.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

MOREOVER, ALLEGATIONS OF RACISM, CASTEISM, ABLEISM AND AGEISM HAVE BEEN FREQUENTLY LEVIED AGAINST MANY GRINDR USERS WHO ARE QUICK TO JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR LOOKS, BODY TYPES AND PENIS SIZE.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

According to this\u00a02018 PinkNews Article<\/a><\/strong>, while\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0has revolutionized online dating for gay and bisexual men, it has left many users feeling unfulfilled and disgruntled with the hyper-sexualized nature of dating. Moreover, allegations of racism, casteism, ableism and ageism have been frequently levied against many\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0users who are quick to judge other people based on their looks, body types and penis size. I wish I had a penny for the number of times I\u2019d been told I was \u201ctoo fat\u201d, \u201cnot the right type\u201d or \u201cthe right age\u201d for people who I approached on\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0for a date. My body image issues stemmed from\u00a0Grindr<\/em>, and it is an issue that I\u2019m still fighting to this day.<\/p>\n

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Image Source:\u00a0Metro<\/a><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n

According to renowned Polish philosopher and sociologist, Zygmunt Bauman,\u00a0we are living in the era of \u201cliquid love\u201d<\/a><\/strong>. This is an era of fragile bonds, temporary friendships and ephemeral relationships (hence, \u201cliquid\u201d). Self-love, according to Bauman is the key to securing long-lasting and strong commitments with others. And I agree with what he says.<\/p>\n

Also read:\u00a0How MSMs Are Vulnerable To Sexual Harassment<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

How can one seek love from others, if one doesn\u2019t love themselves? Although apps like\u00a0Grindr<\/em>\u00a0can be called the antithesis of \u201cself-love\u201d, I only hope more people like myself find the gumption to break away from all this negativity and find the ways and means to lead a psychologically happier and healthier life.<\/p>\n

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Kanav N Sahgal is a post-graduate student at Azim Premji University, Bangalore where he\u2019s pursuing his Master\u2019s Degree in Development. He identifies as queer for personal and political reasons. An ex-corporate professional, Kanav is passionate about his newfound career trajectory in the development sector, where he aims to read and write about social issues especially within the realms of medicine, gender, sexuality and law. You can find him on\u00a0Instagram<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0Facebook<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

Featured Image Source:\u00a0<\/em>Study Finds<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

This article was originally published here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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