As I was waiting to order a macchiato on this rainy evening, I stuck my hand in a jar of coffee beans; almost meditating to the hummed rustles of fresh coffee welcoming my fingers to glide in. I realized I was happy. Maybe it was the cold, refreshing shower I took this morning; melting butter on the warm scone I picked up on my way to this caf\u00e9 or the indulgent, passionate, breathtaking sex I had while the sun set a couple of hours ago, with Tom, my Nigerian friend who was in my city for a yearlong college program.<\/p>\n
I met Tom for the first time in a restro-bar on a seemingly insignificant day. He got himself a whiskey drink; I had three vodka cranberry\u2019s\u2019 and a tall glass of I-want-to-sleep-with-you. We talked about the city around us in a cab to his place. \u201cDo you like living here?<\/em>\u201d He looked at me and asked as we drove past a beach. I remember thinking then for the very first time in all the years \u2015 Do I like living here? It was an awkward silence; he gave me space to think. I live my life on autopilot most of the time. Maybe it is a\u00a0coping mechanism from my PTSD<\/strong><\/a>. So times like this, maybe in a cab at night when I am prompted to take a moment and look around\u2026 It feels like I am in a new world. He seemed to understand that part of me somehow, unknowingly \u2015 weirdly.<\/p>\n We saw each other a handful of times while he was here and neither of us fell in love, or lost that utter connection. I was not taught to expect intimacy from a fling. So when I got in my 45 minutes long cab home in the morning, I spent time leaning against the car window pondering. I have so many Tom-memories that are more than the sex we had; but isn\u2019t that impossible? You\u2019re either two detached people having meaningless sex or are secretly in love with each other. \u201cI can never just hookup with someone. It is just so self-deprecating and demeaning!<\/em>\u201d A friend of mine told me, sipping on her iced-tea while we sat at the corner table, a few days after I saw Tom. And I didn\u2019t know what to say because sitting on a bed, eating spicy Nigerian noodles and talking about our families was nowhere near self-deprecating.<\/p>\n My need for labels did initially make me struggle to understand intimacy in this casual relationship I was in. \u201cAm I in love?<\/em>\u201d I thought sometimes \u2015 while making endless shampoo-foam in my hair or when I mindlessly watched a detergent commercial. But I just did not see myself in a romantic relationship with him; I absolutely did not want that and so when I made it clear to him that I was not looking for anything, and he assured me he was on the same page; I was relieved. All I knew was that, when I stood in the hallway in a soft cotton shirt, watching him make porridge for breakfast while we talked about funny things, I was comfortable. I realize this actually was serious. It was a different kind of serious.<\/p>\n The thing is: I just love to be in love. I am an absolute romantic and am almost always in love, with the weather, poetry, a cup of tea or a person I have been enjoying talking to. But I am also a sexually liberated woman. Now that does not mean that I am not interested in a monogamous relationship or that I am the daughter of the devil coming to ruin your kids. But I resent how everything and everyone is trained and encouraged to revolve around this one, fabricated idea of love. I think it leaves no room for growth and other fulfilling experiences; it is one of those things that I am slowly starting to unlearn.<\/p>\n Now I don\u2019t think all casual relationships are going to be intimate, or that you NEED to want to hookup. But I do believe that there is immense room for intimacy in a casual-thing if you\u2019re willing to let go of the preconceived notions, that are not even your own. I feel a lot of my experience with Tom had to do with the kind of people that he and I are \u2015 we clicked; we were good together. We were both open to being vulnerable in certain ways and in turn built a home of safety and comfort around us.<\/p>\n While starting to write this I felt this weird awkwardness; I am writing about sex and\u00a0non-monogamy<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0after all! It astounds me, the blatant judgement around\u00a0sex-positive women\u00a0<\/strong><\/a>who are open about their sexuality, and also just this misunderstanding and lack of awareness about sex in general in this country.<\/p>\n I had a friend, an adult; tell me that she had never masturbated once in her life because she was told it was a bad thing. NEVER masturbated in her LIFE!!! Can you believe? It\u2019s so senseless to me; these rules amd bounds created around something so natural and part of the human experience. Now I believe I don\u2019t have to get into religious transcripts and the sexual practices of our gods to justify what goes on in my pants \u2015 it\u2019s natural and I have a right to masturbation, have sex and all decisions related to my body.<\/p>\n