Who is the male and who is the female in a heterosexual relationship?<\/p>\n
This is a two-pronged question because you are asking about both identity and role. In other words, you are asking what they bring to the table and how they behave when they come to the table. These roles shift across landscapes, generations, and economic conditions. We see the effects of these shifts across time and space, but dealing with them is not easy for those who are going through them!<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been a card-carrying member of the punch-in-punch-out tribe for a few years. And frankly, I hate it now. I feel overpaid for work that a high-school student could do just as well. The corporate world with all its regulars \u2013 the sycophants, the status-quo pushers, the climbers, the back-stabbers \u2013 I am through with them. The obsessive hunt for profits above all else, especially at the cost of our loyal customers, doesn\u2019t energise me anymore. At this crossroads in my life, can I choose to stop caring about the big bad world, and stay at home? I\u2019ll raise the kids and cook the meals while my wife goes out to work instead?<\/p>\n
Before you start off on a diatribe about how I\u2019m a selfish person and a heartless husband who does not think twice about putting his wife out to work, please hear the case out completely.<\/p>\n
My wife loves the corporate world. Where I see only rags and mangled torsos festooning the upper reaches, she sees fairy lights and Santa Claus. All the stuff I hate about that world gives her a warm fuzzy feeling that I feel only at home.<\/p>\n
When I am by myself, I enjoy my reading and writing. Not having my own career to worry about lets me join her wherever her career takes her, sharing all the ups and downs together.<\/p>\n
How is this a bad thing?<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
\u2013 \u201cWill the writer\u2019s mother please take the witness stand?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cMa? You? I thought you would be on my side!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cWhatever gave you that dangerous notion? As soon as I heard about your stupid plan, I came rushing down. You will do no such thing, son! Oh, the shame!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cShame was the last thing on your mind when you let me \u2013 nay, encouraged me to play with the maid\u2019s children when I was a kid. If caste and class hold no importance for you, why this sudden U-turn on gender roles?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 <\/em>\u201cFor starters, you\u2019re the man! Why on earth would you even be thinking about taking care of the kids? That\u2019s the woman\u2019s job. And if she can\u2019t hold her job and her kids at the same time, then to hell with her career!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cWow, that is really sexist, ma. Her kids? I thought I was born to both you and Pa!\u201c<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cI knew you\u2019d get that one on me. Fine, what about money? She\u2019ll be making a lot less money than you are, won\u2019t she? How will you manage?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cOh, the sexism doesn\u2019t stop! She\u2019s making twice as much as I make right now. I bring home the small change, and she takes care of the house payments. Gone are the days when women were paid less than men!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cAnd what if she runs away with some suave, dashing man from her office, while you\u2019re sitting at home in your pajamas, drinking tea all day long and changing nappies?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cNo, ma. I trust her not to.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n *<\/p>\n There\u2019s a difference between rules and conventions. A rule is: \u201cDon\u2019t drink rat poison if you want to live\u201d. A convention is: \u201cLets all decide to drive on the left side of the road so that people aren\u2019t confused about which way to go\u201d. It is the same thing here: it\u2019s a convention that men work and women cook, not a rule. We\u2019re free to break it if that\u2019s what makes us happy.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Newscaster: \u201cIn a moment straight out of the 2016 Hindi movie <\/em>Ki and Ka, a young couple in urban India has decided to swap roles in the husband-wife relationship. We go to Aarti, our reporter on the ground, for more details. Aarti?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n Aarti: \u201cHi, Mongu. Unfortunately, the couple themselves have fled town to escape the media attention, but I\u2019ve got some people here with me who knew them well. Good evening, sir. Please tell us your name and how you knew the couple?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Bystander: \u201cHello. I am Bhaskar. I\u2019ve been friends with them for four years.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Aarti:<\/em> \u201cSo, do you think they did the right thing?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Bhaskar: \u201cRight? What is right?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Aarti: \u201cRight? I-I-I mean\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Bhaskar: \u201cDo you think you\u2019re doing the right thing?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Aarti: \u201cWhat am I doing?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Bhaskar: \u201cNeedlessly meddling around with people\u2019s personal affairs!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Aarti: \u201cBut, sir, surely people deserve the right to know!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Bhaskar: \u201cPeople want the luxury of being titillated, and you fulfill that need. You bring out the Peeping Tom in all of us. There was always a need for gossip in our society; we are social animals, after all. But you kick it up several notches, making voyeurs out of us. You, the media, are exactly like us, with the same needs and desires, but with one massive difference. You have the unfortunate power to galvanise public opinion on just about anything.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n [Bhaskar takes a deep breath and continues:] \u201cYou asked me what is right. This was a decision made between husband and wife. What happens between husband and wife stays between them, and it doesn\u2019t behoove us to meddle in it. Come, I\u2019ll buy you lunch. Let\u2019s talk about other things instead.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Aarti: \u201cYes, that does sound like a good idea. Lets go!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Newscaster: \u201cAarti? Aarti! Hey, come back! The nation still wants to know what happened between husband and wife!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n *<\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cSo is this what you really want to do? Stay at home while I\u2019m out working?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cYup. I\u2019ll take care of the kids, and cook. So you can go out do what makes you happy.<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cBut why?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cRemember how perplexed you used to be when you met someone who threw away a career after marrying?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cYeah, it happened just last week too. I\u2019ll never figure that one out!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cI\u2019m beginning to understand that there is a counter-argument to leaving one\u2019s career.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cAnd that is?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cPeople look for happiness in all kinds of places. You could find it in your hearth and home, enjoying good health, in the company of people who love you. But most people choose to venture far and wide in search of fleeting glimpses of fame and money, hoping that that will give them happiness.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cAre you trying to insult me? Because it\u2019s working!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201c<\/em>Au contraire, <\/em>madame! I\u2019m merely stating that there are different perspectives on the subject of happiness. Who are we to judge the merits and demerits of either approach? We can only try to make sense of it at best.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cBack up a bit. So you\u2019ve already decided to do this?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cNo. We have to concur first. For better or for worse, marriage is a two-way street.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cAnd what if I don\u2019t accept?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cThen I go back to my job.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 \u201cAnd if I agree, what about people? What will they say?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 Remember Aesop\u2019s fable about the man, his son and his donkey? I\u2019ll never forget its lesson: \u201cPlease all, and you will please none.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Cover still from Ki and Ka<\/em> (2016)<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Can I choose to stop caring about the big bad world, and stay at home? I\u2019ll raise the kids and cook the meals while my wife goes out to work instead?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":222,"featured_media":11042,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,1139,8],"tags":[1135,1131,1136],"class_list":{"0":"post-11041","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-categories","8":"category-marriage-and-sexuality","9":"category-voices","10":"tag-anees-rao","11":"tag-marriage-and-sexuality","12":"tag-stay-at-home-dad"},"menu_order":997,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11041","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/222"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11041"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11041\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11090,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11041\/revisions\/11090"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11042"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11041"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11041"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11041"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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