![\"sexuality\"](\"https:\/\/tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/Insert-image-1_Shikha-300x225.jpg\")
<\/p>\nEvery fantasy is a deeply personal experience, shared or otherwise, and related or not to sexuality. Fantasy \u2013 the absence or presence of it, the denial or acceptance of it, the joy or the distress of it \u2013 plays a big role for most people in the way they construct their sexuality (or that of another) and in the ways in which they experience sexual pleasure and desire. Familiar images and voices author or echo common fantasies and construct mainstream sexuality.<\/p>\n
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The image above is from an article in\u00a0Super Streetbike Magazine<\/a>, which says, \u201cMotorcycles are damn sexy. So guys, it goes without saying that the motorcycle you ride makes a powerful statement about your sexual prowess.\u201d<\/p>\n Let\u2019s do the quick deconstruct first.<\/p>\n Sexuality<\/em> = much more than sex, physicality, and \u2018going-all-the-way\u2019, to include emotional, mental, social and personal experiences, relationships and constructs.<\/p>\n Fantasy<\/em> = Not-reality, born of the imagination, evolving with the imagination.<\/p>\n The relationship between the two<\/em> = They help build each other, so sexuality and sexual fantasy mix in a way that is hard to separate.<\/p>\n Leather and motorcycles is a reality for some people, may be a part of how they construct, express and present their sexuality, and may be based on fantasy or may lead to fantasy. Equally, a fasting woman with flowers and a sieve in hand through which she looks for the moon<\/a>\u00a0(as part of a traditional ritual in which she prays for the long life of her husband) is playing out a shared and carefully constructed, collective fantasy within a patriarchal society. It is part of the \u00a0sexuality in the relationship of marriage, within the frame of \u00a0prescribed custom.<\/p>\n Images in popular media<\/a> and commercials<\/a> create, recreate and reiterate common fantasies that are expressions of sexuality, in a particular, defined context of age, body, and sexual identity that is accepted.<\/p>\n The general attitude towards sexual fantasy, and the reflection of such fantasies in popular imagery, erotica and erotic porn is constructed on assumptions of ableism.\u00a0 There are other fantasies though, that reflect or are born of the sexuality of their creators and consumers, persons who do not fit into the accepted age, body or sexual identity. The voices ahead are part of a growing conversation that we need to listen to.<\/p>\n Voice 1:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cIn her sexual fantasies, she is a fit and impetuous blonde who dominates her male partners. In real life, she is a \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Voice 2:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201c\u2026you will have to \u2018storyboard your sex\u2019, as I like to say. You can sit with your prospective partner and lay out exactly what will work for both of you. You can discuss what gets you off, what might hurt, and what might feel funny or amazing\u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n Voice 3:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cWe talk to each other. We do whatever we want. We ask each other whatever we want. At the end of the session\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Voice 4:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cBeing bound, and gently but firmly had.\u201d<\/p>\n These four voices reflect experiences that shed much light on sexuality and fantasy, but perhaps not quite in the way we understand either of the two. Insights into the personal experiences behind Voice(s) 1, 2, 3 and 4 will only come from hearing them out, putting them in context.<\/p>\n Voice 1<\/a> continues the description thus: \u201cIn real life, she is a virgin who relies on an electric wheelchair, her body touched only by home care aides and medical personnel.\u201d This voice is referring to Laetitia Rebord, in her thirties, who has experienced sexual discrimination as a person with a disability and says of it, \u201cA disabled person is seen as a child\u201d … \u201cSo inevitably, child and sex don\u2019t go together.\u201d<\/p>\n Voice 2<\/a>, which sounds like a plan of action for sharing a sexual fantasy with another, belongs to Andrew Morrison-Gurza, a disability consultant who campaigns and catalyses discussions on queering disability.Just before the business of storyboarding sex<\/a>, Andrew says, \u201cThere is a misconception in our society that good sex is spontaneous, hot, and surprisingly silent. In my experience this is particularly prevalent in queer hookup culture. Each partner is simply supposed to read the other in that exact moment, and from this create this sexual fantasy. That all sounds amazing, but we all know that that is not true life or reality.\u201dI think one of the things this means is that true life and reality need a little well-constructed fantasy.<\/p>\n Voice 3<\/a> belongs to Daniel Doriguzzi, approaching 50. He has a condition called Friedreich\u2019s ataxia that affects physical coordination and speech. His complete sentence is,\u201cWe put ourselves in a bubble and become a normal couple. We talk to each other. We do whatever we want. We ask each other whatever we want. At the end of the session, we break the bubble.\u201d There it is. The perfect understanding of shared fantasy. He is referring to his sessions with Aminata Gregory, a trained sex therapist and sexual assistant.<\/p>\n Voice 4 is part of a description reflecting a study of the experiences of older people in a book called Early Bird Special!!! And 174 Other Signs that You Have Become a Senior Citizen<\/em><\/a>. The full quote is,\u201c\u2026 \u2018I never daydream anymore of making it with movie stars, or athletes or even villains,\u2019 they say. \u2018I no longer fantasise about being bound, and gently but firmly had,\u2019 they lament\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Andrew\u2019s storyboarding example is such an interesting way to approach sex. Storyboarding is also pretty much the way a fantasy works; it\u2019s a storyboard in the head, except that it\u2019s collaborative, with a consenting partner who is deriving pleasure from being a part of it.<\/p>\n When a fantasy is being shared or acted out with others, the operative words are collaborative<\/em>, pleasure<\/em> and consenting<\/em>. If it\u2019s not consensual, pleasurable or collaborative, yet drags another person into it, it is more likely to be harassment, violence, or abuse.<\/p>\n Strewing flowers upon another\u2019s pillows to fulfill your sexual fantasies, if the other is not interested, is at the very least, sexual harassment and depending on the context could be terrifying for, and abusive of, the recipient of such attention. Whips and restraints, used consensually, between consenting partners playing out a shared fantasy, may not in fact be abusive.<\/p>\n Blurring the lines between fantasy and reality is an odd thing; it needs thought and it needs to be talked about.How do we discuss this if we don\u2019t have all the voices that reflect the diversity of human experience? How do we talk about it if we don\u2019t speak about fantasies, sexuality, and the relationship between the two?<\/p>\n Three of the voices above share a similar context: that of people who experience disability. The fourth voice reflects another context: ageing.Their perspective on all things in life, including sexuality, impacts and is impacted by this experience.These voices are amongst the rare few that reflect these diversities.<\/p>\n Images and stories, the fantasies based on constructions of sexuality,and merchandise for sexual role-play caters to a particular type of fantasy \u2013 that of the body and therefore to a particular type of person who lives in that body. This is within the accepted \u2018norm\u2019. A person with a different kind of body, one with an impairment, or of a different kind of intellect and a different category of psychosocial experience may not find anything on the shelves in terms of writing, audio books, toys or other means of expressing sexuality through fantasy.<\/p>\n While it\u2019s true that much of a fantasy, like much of sex and sexuality, is in the mind, it is also true that expressions of sexuality based on fantasy require or may lead to some degree of activity, of doing<\/em>. Some people have taken up the challenge of accessibility and you will find a product called an accessible vibrator<\/a> on the Net: \u201cThe Rumble is incredibly lightweight, and truly ergonomic \u2013 so it\u2019s comfortable to hold, without putting much strain on the hand.\u201d\u00a0Or this<\/a>: \u201cIf someone has limited pelvic movement, the thigh harness that straps around the leg is a great option for an intimate lap dance.\u201d These are significant discoveries. They imply a respect and acceptance of great diversity amongst human beings, just as much as they imply an acceptance of the role of sexuality and fantasy in well-being.<\/p>\n Finally, I came across information about a study of sexual fantasies, open to participants in 2014, on Dr Justin Lehmiller\u2019s blog, Sex and Psychology. There was an invitation to participate in \u201cThe Largest Study Of Sexual Fantasies Ever<\/a>\u201d. I sent out a Tweet to him to ask about the results of this survey and he Tweeted back saying he\u2019s still working on an extensive report. I look forward to reading that when it\u2019s done. I hope it reflects a wide range of voices and experiences.<\/p>\n Meanwhile, it\u2019s time to think about our own take on sexuality, fantasy and diversity. We all have the right to story ourselves or re-story ourselves, to identify and construct our own sexuality, understand and explore our sexual responses in relationship to ourselves and to others. Fantasies are a part of those stories of self, sexuality and relationships.<\/p>\n