{"id":3059,"date":"2014-07-01T07:00:10","date_gmt":"2014-07-01T01:30:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak?page_id=3059"},"modified":"2014-07-09T11:26:52","modified_gmt":"2014-07-09T05:56:52","slug":"faqs-july","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.tarshi.net\/inplainspeak\/faqs-july\/","title":{"rendered":"FAQs – July"},"content":{"rendered":"

10 Sex Toys With Ridiculously Ancient Origins<\/h1>\n

By: MORRIS M.<\/a><\/p>\n

Going strictly by popular culture, you\u2019d be forgiven for thinking sex was invented sometime in the 1960s. Obviously our ancestors were getting it on long before that; Socrates invented Western thought while diddling little boys. But the \u201960s were when sex became fun, right? Wrong. Turns out historical men (and women) were light-years ahead of us in the pleasure department, thanks to inventions like:<\/p>\n

\n
Blow-up Dolls,\u00a01904<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\"Blow<\/p>\n

Lady substitutes are recorded as far back as the seventeenth century, when French sailors devised the Dame de Voyage: a collection of curvaceous rags that could only ever resemble a woman to a homesick Frenchman. But it wasn\u2019t until vulcanised rubber was patented that the more familiar model came about: in 1904, alchemist Rene Schwaeble recorded meeting a \u2018Dr. P.\u2019 in Paris, who built inflatable dolls for discerning gentlemen.<\/p>\n

Less than four years later, German sexologist Iwan Bloch was marvelling over mass-manufactured versions that could \u2018imitate ejaculation\u2019 on sale in Parisian catalogues. Creepiest of all though has to be the firm offering a custom doll resembling \u201cany actual person, living or dead\u201d \u2013 which has to be the single most disturbing tagline in the history of advertising.<\/p>\n

\n

\u00a0<\/strong>Butt Plugs,\u00a01892<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"Rectal<\/p>\n

Frank E. Young was a man with a vision, and that vision involved things being inserted up other people\u2019s rectums. Developed in 1892 but not marketed until the turn of the century, his \u2018Rectal Dilator\u2019 was a terrifying 4 1\/2-inches of pain designed to go where the stars never shine. Billed as a cure for piles, the devices were hawked to doctors and even\u00a0advertised in respected journals<\/a>.<\/p>\n

People might well have gone on believing they were medical devices too, were it not for the ridiculously suggestive instruction manual included with each order. For 40 years these Victorian butt plugs were sold across the United States, before falling foul of the 1938 Federal Food, Drugs and Cosmetics Act, which banned them for \u201cfalse advertising\u201d.<\/p>\n

\n

The Vibrator,\u00a01869<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"Hysteria\"<\/p>\n

The Victorian period was a different time. Britain ruled the world, robots were steam-powered, and doctors treated hysterical women by\u00a0masturbating them<\/a>. Wait, what?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s true: \u2018female hysteria\u2019 was a recognised illness, and its treatment involved a qualified medical professional rubbing the patient\u2019s private parts until orgasm was achieved. Because nothing about this practice could be logical, doctors often complained of boredom and wrist-ache; leading George Taylor to invent the first steam-powered vibrator.<\/p>\n

Although this version failed to catch on, the same can\u2019t be said of J. Granville\u2019s 1880 \u2018electrochemical\u2019 design. Housewives went mad for them; even Good Housekeeping started running monthly reviews. So what happened? Well, society accepted the \u2018massager\u2019 so long as we could tell ourselves it was a medical, rather than sexual aid. When they began appearing in early porn films, husbands soon realised what their wives were up to and put a stop to it. Because \u2013 as every man knows \u2013 the last thing you want is a sexually satisfied wife\u2026<\/p>\n

\n

Condoms,\u00a0Around 1560<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"Ancient<\/p>\n

Did the ancients use condoms? Maybe: there\u2019s evidence to suggest people were wearing something, but whether or not it was for contraception, we\u2019ll never know. Going by a strictly modern definition, the first reliable record of their use doesn\u2019t appear until 1564.<\/p>\n

After the Black Death, Late Medieval man was walloped with an epidemic of syphilis. Not unreasonably, people began to yearn for a way of having sex again without the threat of death.<\/p>\n

Enter\u00a0Gabriele Falloppio<\/a>. His invention \u2013 a linen sheath soaked in chemicals and left to dry \u2013 may not sound like much, but boy did it work. In a trial that encompassed 1,100 volunteers, Falloppio reported not a single case of the \u2018French Disease\u2019. What did Europe do to thank him for his life-saving invention? Named part of our\u00a0reproductive organs<\/a>\u00a0after him.<\/p>\n

\n

The Penis Ring,\u00a0A.D. 1200<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"One<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t easy being ancient Chinese nobility. Not only did you have to put up with assassination plots and Mongol invaders, you were also expected to service your wife, mistresses and concubines on a regular basis. It may sound like fun (and probably was), but there was an urgent reason behind it: if you didn\u2019t produce an heir, you could be pretty sure some obscure prince was going to step up. In such stressful circumstances, performing can become \u2013 well, difficult.<\/p>\n

Hence the penis ring. Made from the eyelids of a goat, with the eyelashes still intact, it helped the wearer get on with the business of impregnation for hours on end \u2013 even if he was secretly crying inside.<\/p>\n

\n

Geisha Balls,\u00a0A.D. 500<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"Bowie<\/p>\n

The origins of Geisha Balls are uncertain: all we know is that they appeared in the Orient sometime around A.D. 500 and were originally used to pleasure men. Women soon cottoned on to the benefits of the device, and the balls\u2019 popularity went supernova. Recorded across most Asian cultures, Geisha Balls (also known as Ben Wa Balls, Rin No Tama or Burmese Balls) were the Rampant Rabbit of their day; a toy that could heighten pleasure during sex, or simply facilitate some good old-fashioned self-pleasure.<\/p>\n

\n

Penis Enlargement,\u00a0Third Century A.D<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

\"Kama<\/p>\n

The Kama Sutra was many things: a manual for living, a treatise on sex, and one of the earliest recorded email scams. Honestly; about halfway down\u00a0this page<\/a>\u00a0is a whole paragraph on making your schlong bigger by rubbing it with wasp stingers. It might technically work (thanks to swelling), but as far as sex goes, it\u2019s about as useful as that tub of \u2018enlargement cream\u2019 you bought online with Dad\u2019s credit card in Junior High.<\/p>\n

Perhaps recognising this, the author(s) made a further suggestion: an \u2018Apadravyas\u2019 made of gold, ivory, silver or wood to \u201csupplement (the penis\u2019s) length or its thickness\u201d. That\u2019s right: before the invention of porcelain (seventh century), the number zero (ninth century) or the fall of Rome, our ancestors had discovered the strap-on.<\/p>\n

\n
Lube,\u00a0Ancient Greece<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\"Extra<\/p>\n

Given their reputation for enjoying orifices that don\u2019t naturally lubricate, it should come as no surprise that the Greeks were into their lube. While no record exists of its early use, we do know that by 350 B.C., olive oil was big business. In Aristotle\u2019s\u00a0History of the Animals<\/a>\u00a0he makes passing reference to it, implying that smoother sex made pregnancy less likely. Two centuries later physician Soranus echoed his views; while Herodotus, Plutarch and Ovid all maintained that Athens got its name when Athena gifted the founders an olive tree \u2013 because that\u2019s how much they loved olive oil.<\/p>\n

\n
The Dildo,\u00a023,000 B.C.<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\"Ancient<\/p>\n

The dildo may well be humanity\u2019s most durable invention. Only fire, weapons, clothing and beads seem to have been around longer. Even agriculture is an infant compared to crafted lumps of stone and wood modelled on our junk; 13,000 years younger, to be precise. And that\u2019s only taking into account the ones we\u2019ve found: the\u00a0oldest known dildo<\/a>\u00a0(an eight inch stone behemoth discovered in Germany) dates back 26,000 years, but there\u2019s no reason to assume there aren\u2019t other, older models out there. Archaeologists find them all the time; it\u2019s almost as if people in the prehistoric era found sex a natural, enjoyable thing they didn\u2019t have to be ashamed of. Speaking of which\u2026<\/p>\n

Pornography,\u00a033,000 B.C.<\/strong><\/div>\n

\"Torso<\/p>\n

A few years back, archaeologists uncovered a pervy\u00a0prehistoric statue<\/a>. Carved from mammoth tusk, it featured a female torso with, how shall I put this, \u2018exaggerated\u2019 sexual parts. Although its age is uncertain, the best guess places it at over 35,000 years old; which means it may even pre-date religion. Now, obviously the history of religion is largely guesswork and some argue it\u2019s much older than that, but still\u2026 the implication that we only sat down to figure out the meaning of life after we\u2019d first solved \u201cdoing-it-yourself\u201d may be the single most jaw-dropping case of prioritisation the universe will ever see.<\/p>\n

About The Author:<\/strong>
\nMorris is a freelance writer and newly-qualified teacher, still naively hoping to make a difference in his students’ lives. You can send your helpful and less-than-helpful comments to his email, or visit some of the other websites that inexplicably hire him.This article was originally published on\u00a0Listverse<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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