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CategoriesMasculinities and SexualityThe I Column

My Experiences In BDSM As Well As Vanilla Interactions With Men

I’ve met a lot of men. It scares me to openly say this because I feel potentially judged and possibly might even be trolled. However, life has been what it has been. My interaction with men started once I finished school and most men in my life have been decent to me, to say the least. However, there are different sides of maleness or manhood that I have come to experience. Here are some of the kinds of men I have met.

  1. The Toxic Male – These are usually men who cannot take a no. They are manipulative, at times derogatory, abusive even. They are men who could have potentially raped me, men who would slut shame me, when I said a no to them. Men who thought they were entitled to my body and sexuality just because I was generally open to explore and talk about it in life. Quite a few of them, I met in the disguise of mentors, BDSM Dominants, older men in positions of influence and authority. Some of them harassed me, stalked me, even threatened me, and would back off only when threatened with legal recourse.
  2. The Desperate Male – This category of men didn’t threaten me, but they stalked me, at a safe distance. They kept nagging me, pushing me, asking me repeatedly if I would have a session with them. At times, they didn’t even bother to listen to my concern that we might lose a long-standing friendship on account of their nagging, they didn’t care about my ethical commitments to my partners, or my total lack of interest in dominating someone, or the fact that I had limited time, energy, or poor health. Some of them even went on to mock my earlier episodes of depression, after having been supported by me in their own journey through mental disorders.
  3. The Casual Male – This man was less than pushy, but not entirely respectful either. He’d do a lot of push and pull. He was more manipulative than abusive. He would feign disinterest, ghost me for months and then suddenly pop up one fine night, at 1:00 am, randomly. Not one message to check with me, if I am even willing to chat, he will dump on me how our only phone conversation about BDSM still makes him fantasise about me. This man may or may not have met me before, but he thinks it’s alright for him to fantasise about me, tell me about that and then vanish again for another few months. However, if told off firmly and blocked once, he doesn’t go to the extent that the two categories of men above do.
  4. The Compassionate Male – This guy has understood. Or at least made a conscious effort. As a Dom, he’s benevolent. As a sub, he’s supportive. As a vanilla partner, he’s understanding and in solidarity. As a person, he’s usually respectful of my boundaries. As an individual he communicates. There are times when he slips into one of the 3 negative categories I have spoken about above, but either his self-awareness brings him back, or when it is pointed out, he is at least not defensive. This man is easy to get along with, capable of being a part of my day-to-day life, being a friend, mentor, support system, mentee, or even more. It is rare to find men like that, but I have.
  5. The Platonic Male – This male is not sexually engaged with me at any level. He may talk about stuff, he may have discussions around sex, sexuality, LGBT issues, BDSM, Polyamory. He might fantasise, he might even express it, but he is clear that he doesn’t mean to act on his fantasies. This male, however, may still belong to any of the above 4 categories for other women. He confides in me and so I know of his patterns. I do not have any reason to feel threatened by him, but I am able to at least make him aware of how he is treating one woman differently from another.
  6. The Apologetic Male – This one is constantly apologising for his gender. However, if you really push him too far his hidden misogyny might resurface. Or perhaps, that’s not his hidden misogyny, but simply a defence mechanism for survival when he finally feels attacked. That said, personally to me, this man is as unattractive as the men in the first 2 categories I have listed. Simply because he’s trying to overcompensate, and to me that is like not being comfortable enough in your own skin.

I am sure there are many more expressions of masculinities that come out when people engage with each other in any sort of sexual framework. These categories that I have described are only the most common and representational, rather than an exhaustive list. That said, the ideal I aspire to is to bring out the masculine in every woman I know, and the feminine in every man I know.

For, what is Yin without Yang, and vice versa?

Cover Image: Pixabay

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Article written by:

Asmi is an active BDSM practitioner, lifestyle coach based in India, a writer and a vocal, empowering person, who experiments actively with BDSM, feminism, LGBT, sexuality and erotica. She is very active in several real-world BDSM communities and has close connections with a wide spectrum of other practitioners both in India and globally. She has authored a series of 3 books about various aspects of BDSM, available on kindle. She can be reached on Facebook or via email at: asmi.uniqus@gmail.com

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