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CategoriesPublic Space and SexualityThe I Column

Coming Out as a Kinkster in Public

When I first decided to attend a meet up of other kinksters, I was very unsure. Did I really need to reveal myself to these people? Did I really need people to know who I was or what I liked in my intimate relationships?

The third dilemma was when I started openly writing books and articles about the BDSM lifestyle. I knew this time for sure it was no longer going to be the selectively public profile that I was used to. This time, if I spoke as a writer, as a practitioner, people would recognise me, would know who I am, and I would be in the public space, my sexual lifestyle preferences in the open.

The questions to ponder however are:

  1. Why was I unsure of being in the public space when it comes to my sexuality?

Because people can be judgmental. Because I had friends who I thought would stick around, but who walked out on me when I revealed my sexuality to them in closed-door discussions. Because I wasn’t sure how my family would react to my BDSM preferences.

  1. What made me come out finally?

The fact that I needed to stop living the dual life I was living. All the other aspects of my life, every single one of them, were already out in the open. Except for my sexual preferences, everything was sorted. However, my sexual preferences were also affecting everything else in my life. And I couldn’t admit it.

I couldn’t tell my folks why I wasn’t marrying, or what kind of a guy I actually want to settle down with. I couldn’t tell my therapist why my relationships didn’t always work out. I couldn’t crack easy jokes with my friends about my sex life. There was no way for me to fully express myself in intimate relationships, because I did not know how a partner would react.

  1. Do I really feel comfortable now that I am open about my sexuality?

Not always. It leads to other problems. Men tend to feel that just because I’m openly and publicly vocal about my sexual preferences, I must be ‘easy’. Men tend to feel more offended when I tell them that I am not interested in them. However, am I more relieved in my personal life? Yes. Is my family less in the dark about me? Yes. Are my friends people who pretend or people who really cherish me for who I actually am? Well, the latter.

  1. What does it truly mean for me to be open about my sexuality in the public space?

Finding the balance and the courage to come out in the open was not easy. Making the time, having a long series of conversations, and putting in the effort to share openly was also not easy. However, what did make it possible for me was the ability to find out how much I wanted to be out in open.

Am I an exhibitionist who will make out in front of other people? No. Am I someone who will ‘play’ in front of other people? Most often, no. However, will I talk openly about what happens in the intimate corners of my life? Yes. Will I talk openly in front of strangers and friends alike about sexuality that is considered taboo? Yes.

Will I write openly about what is or is not done, what is or is not meaningful when it comes to sexuality? Yes. Will I talk about BDSM and kink as a way of life, despite it being taboo for discussion? Yes, I will talk about BDSM and kink, and many other things as well, but I will not evangelise for them. And, I certainly aspire to continue being authentic in the public space about my own sexuality, and non-judgmental about that of others.

With no reservations, with much love.

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Article written by:

Asmi is an active BDSM practitioner, lifestyle coach based in India, a writer and a vocal, empowering person, who experiments actively with BDSM, feminism, LGBT, sexuality and erotica. She is very active in several real-world BDSM communities and has close connections with a wide spectrum of other practitioners both in India and globally. She has authored a series of 3 books about various aspects of BDSM, available on kindle. She can be reached on Facebook or via email at: asmi.uniqus@gmail.com

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