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Issue 2, 2009
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The Bigger Picture
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Groping In The Dark
A few weeks ago as I sat reading a Training Manual on
Gender and Sexuality, my 17 year-old niece looked over
my shoulder and wanted to know how much training is
required for sex. My response, that it was sexuality training
I was reading about, met with a look that said ‘What’s the
difference?!” I wasn’t surprised by her reaction considering
the opinions that are being expressed in the on-going
debate around the Adolescent Education Program.
We got into a discussion on sex education or as I would
prefer it to be – sexuality education. We spoke about sexual
desire and choices; being sexually active and practising
safer sex; the confusion that comes with being 16-17 years
old and the desire to ‘fit in’; when and how to say ‘no’ and
many other such things. As we talked there was a part of
me that wondered at the situation.
On the one hand is my niece who would fit the profile of a
bright teenager. She reads a lot and has many opportunities
to witness and participate in discussions that can help her
learn to analyse; she studies in a school that encourages her
to think and show initiative; the significant adults around
her are aware and sensitive enough to ensure that she
can talk to them about almost everything under the sun.
Like other young people in my extended family, my niece
has read TARSHI’s Red Book and Blue Book from cover to
cover, asked questions and giggled over it with her friends!
Despite all this, she still was not sure about so many things.
There was so much that puzzled her.
Then there is myself. I am no authority on matters of sex
or sexuality. I do have the good fortune to have access to
a body of literature as well as friends who work on issues
of sexuality and sexual and reproductive health rights. As a
result, I think I am fairly informed and sensible about the
subject.
We got lucky – my niece and I – that we have a relationship
that allows her to talk and ask questions about a subject that
the average adult would rather avoid; that we have the time
and the space to share thoughts and ideas. What about the
thousands of other young teenagers, who find it difficult to
talk to their parents or other adult caregivers and do not
have access to information (unbiased or not) about matters
of sex and sexuality. A majority acquire some information
about the mechanics of sex by way of stories, rumours and
innuendo or by way of a talk on duty and responsibility
in which sexual behaviour maybe mentioned. In general
though, I believe that on matters of sex, young people in
their late teens rely more on the information their peers
provide than what the ‘adults’ tell them!
Teenage is one of the more volatile stages of a person’s life.
Not only is your body going through all kinds of changes
but your mind and emotions are also confused. One day
you like something or someone and the next day you could
hate them with a passion you didn’t know you had in you.
And your only true companions in this journey are your
peers who are also on the same roller coaster ride. Parents
and other adults are incidental. Their job is to feed you,
to stuff you with information and hold your hand – to see
to it that this rocky world you suddenly inhabit doesn’t
fall off the face of the earth. As teenagers see it – parents
really can’t do anything else because they don’t understand
what’s going on with teenagers!
Thinking of this volatile mix I was reminded of a book
Predictably Irrational1 by Daniel Ariely, a Behavioural
Economist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology
(MIT). In this book, Ariely shares with us the results of
many studies that try to understand “the hidden forces that
shape our decisions”. Through a series of experiments,
Ariely concludes that no matter how ‘good’ a person is,
they can never predict the effect of strong emotion on their
behaviour. I’m sure all of us will concur – we are witness
to enough riots and violence that seem to break out at the
drop of a hat. In our personal lives too, many of us can
testify to acting ‘out of character’ when in the grip of a
strong emotion.
One of the studies conducted by
Ariely focused on the influence of
sexual arousal on decision making
among sexually active young men.
The study, conducted among young
male students in the University of
California Berkeley2 was designed
to test if a state of sexual arousal
influenced three aspects of judgment
and choice – preferences for a wide
range of sexual stimuli; willingness
to engage in morally questionable
behaviour; and their willingness
to engage in unprotected sex, and
whether the young men could
accurately predict these influences.
The study shows that even the most
level-headed young person, in the
heat of the moment can switch from
“Just say no” to “Yes’ in a heartbeat.
It also underlines that people are
not able to predict how they will
behave when in the grip of a strong
emotion.
Teenagers are susceptible to strong emotion. In their
search to know themselves, in the questioning of and/or
breaking the ‘rules’, they could engage in behaviours that
are risky and dangerous for themselves and for others.
The most attractive of these of course, are those that are
considered so bad that people hardly talk about them –
experimentation with drugs, alcohol and sex.
Sex education as we know it now is somewhat like a
biology lesson focused on the reproductive system. Most
young people walk away from those lessons with a working
knowledge of the reproductive system and safer sex
behaviours, but remain confused about what to do and how
to manage when faced with a situation that requires sexual
decision-making. The ABC (Abstinence, Be faithful, use a
Condom) model of education assumes that young persons
have the ability not to give in to peer pressure; have the
ability to switch off passion when required and if the first
two fail, have a condom easily available just in case!
When two young people get
together the last thing they think
about is a condom and safer sex.
On top of their mind is usually a
confusion of thoughts – Does he/
she love me? Should I let him kiss
me? Will my parents know? How do
I let her/him know that I don’t like
this? What am I supposed to do? Can
anyone see us? Will he/she make fun
of me? What if I don’t enjoy this?
Will we be friends after this?
It becomes imperative therefore
that the information that is provided
to young people goes beyond the
mechanics to address the emotions
that go with sex. The focus should
be on strategies to deal with the
emotions that accompany sexual
arousal. Young people should realise
they have two options – to walk
away before a situation becomes too
difficult to resist or learn to deal
with the consequences of saying yes
in the heat of the moment.
To learn to walk away before it
gets too difficult, the teenager
has got to know himself or herself
– what are the triggers that can
set them off? As Ariely says “…
to make informed decisions we
need somehow to experience and
understand the emotional state
we’ll be in at the other side of the
experience. Learning how to bridge
this gap is essential in making some
of the important decisions of our
lives.”(pp 104) Put simply, self
insight on matters of sexual arousal
and sexual behaviour are important
in sexual decision-making. This can
be facilitated by ensuring that young
persons have access to sexuality
education that is comprehensive,
affirming and accurate; sexuality
education that leaves them informed
and aware about sex and their sexual
feelings and equips them with the
power to act positively and sensibly
in sexual situations. We need to remember that we are
addressing young people not animals. They are on a steep
learning curve, enthusiastic and anxious to get information
that will help them make smarter decisions.
A couple of weeks after our talk, my niece came back from
school feeling very superior – seemingly many of her class
mates friends did not know half the things she knew about
sex and sexuality! “How come”, she asked, “something like
this is not included in our curriculum? Why isn’t all this
explained to us? Why do have to grope in the dark?” What
could I tell her?
1 Ariely, Daniel. 2008. Predictably
Irrational –The Hidden Forces
That Shape Our Decisions. NY:
Harper
2 Ariely, D & G. Loewenstien.
2006. The Heat of the Moment
– The Effect of Sexual Arousal
on Sexual Decision Making. The
Journal of Behavioral Decision
Making 19, 87-98 http://web.
mit.edu/ariely/www/MIT/
Papers/Heat_of_Moment.pdf
After more than 16 years in the social development sector
– working with a number of non-government communitybased
and development support organizations such as the
Urmul Trust in Bikaner, Dastkar in Delhi, PRIA, Delhi and
Oxfam GB in Afghanistan, Veronica George set up practice
as a Foot Reflexologist. She is based in Gurgaon, where in
partnership with a friend, she has set up a space that offers
different wellness therapies, to help individuals live healthy,
happy and harmonious lives.
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